New Front Deck

This weekend Dan and his friend Nate redid our front deck.  It had to be redone.  Ed built it 20 years ago and the wood was rotting.  When Dan, Nate, and Matt were here in early May they said how I didn't need to hire someone, they could redo it.

So they selected Memorial Day weekend to do the job.  Funny, somehow Matt ended up needing to work, so he wasn't here to help.  But Dan and Nate came home and Saturday morning we headed out to Home Depot to get our materials.

The job took longer than expected.  We thought we could use all the old framing but all the joist hangers had to be replaced and stair strings also needed to be redone.  Day 1 was demolitioning the old deck (which I enjoyed doing but they make it look so easy on TV) and then putting new joist hangers in and redoing the joists.  Day 2 was laying the decking and completing the stairs.  Day 3, Nate had to leave in the morning.  But Dan stayed and the two of us did the railings.

We still have the stair railing to do because Home Depot was out of the needed materials for that.  But at least we can get into the front door and we'll plan to do the stair railings in a few weeks.  I think it came out really nice and I think Ed would have been very proud of what a good job they did.

Thanks guys!!

Dan & Nate at Home Depot

Demo'ing - Harder than it looks!

Redoing joists

New 4x4s in place, now working on decking.

End of Day 2

Just need to do the railings for the stairs!  They did good!  And I helped!

I'm Here

I'm sorry I haven't written lately.  I'm still here slogging through life.  On May 9-12, Dan and I went to Washington DC.  It was a great trip and we had a terrific time.  We are certainly good travel companions--we like to do and see the same type of things and operate on similar schedules.

So planning for this trip and then getting back on track once we returned has been consuming the past couple weeks.  Very little downtime lately which I guess is a good thing.  As I've said before, keeping busy is good.  Last weekend was finally painting the kitchen.  Nothing new--just a fresh coat of paint.  I had taken everything down weeks ago and patched the walls so it really needed to just get done so I could put the kitchen back together.  Last weekend was also having to mow.  The start of another season of tending to the yard.  I was quite happy when both mowers started right up for me.  I did not attempt to use the weed whacker--I don't expect as much success with that.  The ads I see for a battery-powered trimmer and blower always get my attention, but I will attempt to use the gas-powered ones I have for now but may throw in the towel if they test my patience again this year as they did last year.  Granted my patience was much thinner than.

So life goes on.  Work is busy; tending to the home is busy.  But I promise to post about our trip to DC in the near future.  In the meantime, know that I'm still here, taking it one day at a time.  Year 2 is underway and although I still miss Ed tremendously and the void is still very much present, I am trying to figure out me, as an individual, and what I want my life to be.  What is important to me? How do I want to spend my time?  Just continue to navigate this path that is my life.  One day at a time.

Trip to DC - Final Day & Happy Birthday Dan!

Monday, May 12th - Happy 26th Birthday Dan!!

Our final day in DC.  Our flight was not until 4 PM, so we have a good portion of the day to spend in DC.  We originally didn't have anything planned but decided to walk down to see the Lincoln Memorial and the Vietnam Memorial in the daylight.  We then walked over to see the Korean Memorial in the daylight and it was not the same at all.  If you ever go, be sure to see that one at night.

We really didn't have anything else planned so we walked towards the Washington Monument and happened upon the ceremonies for the reopening of the Monument.  We knew they were being held Monday morning but it really wasn't on our agenda that we had to be there.  But since we happened upon it, we stayed and watched the ceremonies (and saw Al Roker who was the master of ceremonies) and then went up to the Washington Monument where you could now go up to the base (it was blocked off before).  We couldn't actually go into the Monument because tours didn't start until 1 PM and we needed to head to the airport shortly after that.

We then decided to hit a museum.  Dan's choice--Air & Space Museum.  We spent a couple hours there and saw pretty much everything we want to see before we had to head to the airport.

Overall a great trip!  We saw a lot.  Did a LOT of walking!  And also learned that we pretty good travel companions!

It was a great way to celebrate and share Mother's Day and Dan's birthday.  Wonder what we'll plan for next year?

Vietnam Memorial

Lincoln Memorial

Al Roker Hosting the Re-opening Ceremony for the Washington Monument

Me at the Base of the Washington Monument

Dan at the Air & Space Museum

Trip to DC - Day 3

Sunday - Happy Mother's Day!

Today we planned to go to the 9/11 Memorial at the Pentagon and then Arlington Cemetery.  It was a HOT day...in the 90s and humid!

We took the Metro to The Pentagon.  It would have been nice to tour the Pentagon but you need to get tickets months in advance (since security clearance is needed and there are no tours on weekends)--oh well, next time.  The 9/11 Memorial is on the back side of the Pentagon and so you need to walk quite a ways around the building to get to it.  There are many signs posted around the building itself stating "no photos".  However we were able to take photos once we got to the Memorial.

This Memorial was very moving as well.  The design was incredible--very simple but moving.  There was a bench for each person who perished at this site and the benches were arranged based on whether the person perished was in the Pentagon or on the plane and they where arranged by year of birth as well as angled on the path the plane took into the building.

From there we took the Metro to Arlington Cemetery.  Because it was so hot and humid, Dan I agreed to take the tour trolley to get around.  First stop was the JFK and family grave site followed by the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier and then to the top of the hill to Arlington House.

We had originally considered walking back across Arlington Memorial Bridge to see the Lincoln Memorial in the daytime, but because of the heat we came up with a new plan to take the Metro to Penn Quarter where we walked over to the Spy Museum.  We spent a few hours there--we really enjoyed it.  Lots of interesting stuff to take in.  We then walked around National Mall and by the Smithsonians and then took the Metro back to our hotel.  Our plan was to go out again in the evening to see the White House at night which we did and then stopped for a quick dinner afterwards.

9/11 Memorial @ The Pentagon

Arlington Cemetery

Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

White House

Trip to DC - Day 2 (Evening)

Going back to the hotel to rest proved to be a good idea.  We headed back out around 8 PM and we had a lot more energy and our legs and feet were feeling better.

I had contemplated taking one of the tours for "Monuments at Night" but I'm so glad we didn't.  First, we would have needed to be at Union Station by around 7 PM.  Dan and I both felt that was too early since it didn't even get dark until around 8:30 PM.  Plus, they would drop you off at a Monument and you could spent about 15-20 mins there and would need to reboard their bus.  What I know about myself and it is true for Dan as well, is that we don't want to feel rushed. We like to have our own timetable and be able to spend at little or as much time in a place as we want.  Another reason we are good travel companions.

We decided to walk towards George Washington University to find someplace to sit down and have a nice dinner.  We had one place in mind but when we got there it was extremely crowded so we continued walking and happened upon Bertrucci's.  I know, not a DC landmark, but as Dan said, we didn't come to DC to eat.

After dinner, we walked to the Lincoln Memorial.  As we walked through the park on our way, a fox came out and crossed the path and took us quite by surprise.  I'm sure we scared it as well because it kept on it's way but that was startling to see!

We spent quite a long time at the Lincoln Memorial taking in the views, taking pictures and thinking what it was like when Martin Luther King, Jr., stood there and gave his "I Have a Dream" speech with the crowds below filling the lawn around the reflecting pool.  It was quite a sight.

From the Lincoln Memorial we headed towards the Tidal Basin and came upon the Korean War Memorial. Now that was something else to see for the first time at night!  We just happened upon this large statue standing in the grass which took us a bit by surprise until we realized it was the Korean Memorial.  Seeing this memorial at night was quite moving.

We continued towards the Tidal Basin and stopped at the MLK Memorial.  Quite impressive at night and reading his quotes along the wall was moving as well.  At this point it was close to 11:30 at night.  We continued our walk over the Kutz Bridge and it was here that both Dan and I commented how much energy we had for so late at night and all the walking we were doing.  It was also kinda funny how comfortable we were walking around that late at night.  There were people around, but not that many.  Of course, walking around with a 6'3" man makes you feel much safer!

We took time to view the Jefferson Memorial and then headed back in the direction of our hotel stopping at the Washington Monument as well.  By now the White House was dark though (lights out at 11 PM) so we would have to try to see that another evening.  It was certainly quite a sight to see all these monuments at night and I would highly recommend it for anyone going to DC.

Lincoln Memorial

View from Lincoln Memorial across Reflecting Pool

Korean War Memorial

Martin Luther King Jr Memorial

Jefferson Memorial

Washington Monument

Trip to DC - Day 2

Saturday was the "rainy" day for our trip.  The other days were forecasted to be hot and humid (in the upper 80s and 90s).  Dan had written to Elizabeth Warren's office and got us Capitol tour tickets for Saturday.  Our plan for the rest of the day was to do "indoor" tours because of the weather forecast.

So we got up, had breakfast, and took the Metro to the Capitol.  Two side notes--1) Ed, Dan, and I are ones who do not mind the "free" continental breakfast.  We are not big breakfast eaters and we always felt that we could eat a decent breakfast and that would hold us to dinner (maybe with some snack in between if needed).  And that is what Dan and I did here as well.  It's the small things like this where we are similar that sure makes traveling easy.  2) Dan was the master of the Metro.  By later in the 2nd day, I was understanding it as well.  But Dan doesn't even have to think about it.  He was the one that navigated the T to Logan and then the Metro in DC to our hotel.  In fact, when I kept looking at the map and reading the signs, we would laugh at me because it just came natural to him.

Okay, back to our trip.  We arrived at the Capitol building well before our scheduled tour.  We walked around outside and I was most impressed, and appreciative, that Dan agreed to pose in front of the Capitol and let some random stranger take our picture.  This is one of my favorite photos of the entire trip!

Since we toured on Saturday, the House and Senate was not in session but we did get to see the typical Capitol Tour.  We also spent some time in the Visitor Center which had small models of the Capitol and Capitol Hill and how it changed and expanded over the years. We found that to be very interesting.

From the Capitol we took the tunnel to the Library of Congress, Thomas Jefferson Building.  We were both quite impressed with the architecture.  I mean, we've seen this type of architecture in Italy, but to see it here in the US, is something else.  While we viewed the Main Reading Room, we recalled scenes from the movie National Treasure where they searched this room for a document.

Thankfully while in the Capitol and Library of Congress we missed a downpour.  As it drizzled, we walked over to the Supreme Court but then it started to rain more so we walked (swiftly) over to Union Station where we planned to grab a late lunch and sit out the rain.  That planned worked out perfectly and by the time we finished our lunch it had stopped raining and we walked over to The National Archives.

The National Archives was one of the other few things on our list of things to do.  We then spent several hours there and thoroughly enjoyed our time in particular viewing the Magna Carta, the Declaration of Independence, the U.S. Constitution, and the Bill of Rights.  Between the Capitol and the National Archives, it really brought back the history of our country.

One of the other things I had on my list that I really wanted to do was see the monuments at night.  So Dan and I decided to head back to our hotel, rest up since our feet were getting sore/tired, and then we would head out later in the evening to grab something to eat and view the monuments at night.

Capitol Dome

Library of Congress - Jefferson Building - Main Reading Room

Supreme Court

Union Station

Trip to DC - Our Adventure Begins

Dan and I decided we wanted to take a trip over a long weekend and we decided on Washington DC.  Dan had never been there, it was something we talked about doing when he was younger but never did, and I had only been once in high school and I remember more about hanging out with my friends, then actually seeing DC!

So we decided we would go as a combination Mother's Day/Dan's birthday gift.

On Thursday evening, May 9th, I drove out to Dan's apartment after work.  We then left Friday morning, taking the T from Waban into Logan.  We then flew from Logan to Reagan National Airport.  The direct flight from Logan was less expensive than taking a train and they had flights to/from about every hour, so it was also very convenient.

Leaving Waban

We had a short list of those things we definitely wanted to do/see.  Obviously, the various monuments and Dan secured tickets for tours at the Bureau of Printing and Engraving for Friday and a Capitol tour on Saturday.  Our only other plan was The Pentagon and Arlington Cemetery on Sunday.  Otherwise, our schedule was pretty flexible which we both liked.

Arriving at Reagan National Airport

When we arrived at Reagan Airport, we took the Metro to our hotel.  We stayed at the Hampton Inn on H street--a block from the Metro and 2 blocks from the White House.  Good price, easy access to everything, and continental breakfast included.  Once we checked our bags, we headed out to begin our adventure of DC.

First stop was the White House.  We then walked across The Ellipse to the Washington Monument.  We then had time to kill before our tour at the Bureau of Printing and Engraving so we walked up to Federal Triangle and found a nice restaurant, Aria's, to sit and have a nice lunch at.  Did I mention that it was like 85 degrees?  After lunch we then made our way to the Bureau of Printing and Engraving.  When we first decided to go to DC, this was on our "must do" list and we weren't disappointed.  It was very interesting.

We then headed down towards the Tidal Basis.  We thought about paddle boats, but it was hot out and the Basin was MUCH bigger than I had thought.  In fact, DC was much larger than it looked on maps.  I thought we could easily walk here and there.  And we did, but distances were much greater than originally thought.

So we skipped the paddle boats and instead walked over to the Jefferson Monument.  While there, we sat and watched the Presidential helicopter take off from the White House.  We hung out and did some people watching, watched planes landing at Reagan, and hoped to see the helicopter return with the President that didn't happen.

We then headed back towards our hotel stopping at the World War II Memorial on our way.  One thing we learned quickly is that there are no places to eat around the White House/National Mall (unless you want an ice cream from a truck).  So we continued our walk north through Foggy Bottom and happened upon a pizza joint (Custom Fuel) just a block from our hotel.  There we picked up two custom, personal-sized brick oven pizzas and took those back to our hotel room.  After all the traveling and walking around on Day 1, we were exhausted and so had our pizza and crashed early that evening.

White House - North Lawn

Dan - White House - South Lawn

Me - White House - South Lawn

Jefferson Memorial
The planes were so low as they approached Reagan National Airport.

The Presidential helicopter

Zooming into the White House from the Jefferson Memorial.

World War II Memorial

WWII Memorial

And the beats goes on...

That about sums up the last week.  I continue to have a long list of "to do's" and as the weather is getting nicer (well, at least some days), this list now includes yard work.  I am, though, enjoying the fresh, crisp spring air and it feels so good to be outside after such a long, cold winter.

This past week I signed up to participate in Relay for Life.  I feel I need to find a good cause and invest some time and energy in helping to battle our fight against cancer.  Is this the cause I will stick with in the coming years?  I don't know.  But it's something I can do right now and so I'll make this commitment.  I had met a woman back in March who is a team captain and whose daughter is currently fighting cancer.  So it was easy to find a team to be part of.  If you have any interest in donating to my team, my personal page can be found here:

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?fr_id=59473&pg=personal&px=36937512

I continue to find happiness and appreciation in small things.  This past week I had dinner with "G" and it was nice to catch up and also be able to talk about Ed freely and not avoid the mention of his name.  That was really nice.  I also had dinner with "M" and then we went to see the movie "Heaven is for Real".  Of course, the book is better, but they did a good job making the book into a movie which was not an easy thing to do.

Thank you "K" for your hugs and kind words this past week as well.  You are such a special person and I hope you know that.  Know how much I appreciate your thoughtful words and kind gestures.  I'm saving those protein bars for my next 5K!  And lucky me had Dan, Nate, and Matt here for the weekend.  They are such good guys and are so good to me.

So I've clearly gotten over "my mood" and I can better appreciate the good in my life.  Yes, there is still sadness and I know we're approaching the anniversary of Larry's passing and I'm saddened when I see Kay's children cleaning out her house.  But I'm able to keep functioning; to keep moving forward.

I have made it through the first year.  This does not mean I'm over my grief.  I feel I'm now moving into the next phase which I feel is figuring out who I am and what my life is.  This past year has been about surviving.  Now I need to figure out how to begin living again and defining who I am.  I'm not afraid of this.  I am determined and I have made a commitment to myself that I will do what I feel is right, what I want to do, and not necessarily what others think is "right" or what they expect me to do.  Yes, year 2 is about being a bit selfish.  It's about me.  Year 2 has begun and I'm less afraid...

Dan, Nate, Matt--I love these guys!

Spring has arrived!  My little memory garden.

Disappointed

As I analyze my feelings from the past week, I realize I am disappointed.

This past week, this past month, as I approached the one-year anniversary of Ed's passing, has been difficult.  All the memories of a year ago come flooding back as I relived the last days of Ed's life.  It has been a tough month with the culmination being this past week--the exact anniversary of his passing and his burial.

As I look back on the past week and how I was feeling, the word that comes to mind is "disappointed".

I am disappointed in the lack of acknowledgement both from family and friends.  In the lack of outreach.  What were people thinking?  That I didn't know?  That they were going to upset me?  I have spent a lot of time this past year in investing in relationships and friendships and most were not there for me this past week.  Could I have reached out to people and asked them to go to Ed's anniversary Mass with me or stop by my house and spend 10 minutes with me on Tuesday?  Yes, I could have.  But why do I need to ask?

There were the very few who did reach out, through a text or a card, and I appreciate that.  It just surprises me those who didn't.  Did they remember or have they already forgotten?  Or those I saw in person who didn't say a word.  What were they thinking?  Had they already forgotten or were they afraid of "reminding" me?

So I'm a bit disappointed and a bit sad because that one person I could count on, that one person who was always there for me no matter what, I no longer have.  That was Ed.  And I can only rely on myself to fill that void.

One Year Later

Today is the one-year anniversary of Ed's passing.  I'm not quite sure what I expected of today.  I took the day off from work.  Part of me contemplated taking yesterday off as well.  I had feared that Sunday evening into Monday, marking the day Ed passed might have been more difficult.  But I went to work and Monday was okay.  Last night I went out to dinner with an acquaintance--we haven't seen each other in a while--and it was fine.  I was afraid I'd be in a "mood," but I wasn't.  It was just a nice dinner out with good company.

This morning I went to 8 AM Mass.  Dan and I had it said for Ed.  I knew this was the perfect way to start this day and to honor and remember him.  Dan was working so he could not go with me.  I had contemplated asking someone to go with me but then thought better of it.  I'm a big girl and I need to do these types of things on my own.  And if someone shows up, great!  But otherwise, I'd be fine...and I was as I drove to the church.  When I arrived, my friend from choir, Brooke, was there.  She came for me, for Ed. She lost her husband last August, so she is one of those who "gets it."

Brooke and I then went to Kristina's for a light breakfast.  I had gone there with Anna on the anniversary of Bob's passing (again, after morning Mass) and I thought it would be nice to do that again today.  So we had a nice breakfast.  I then went to Stop & Shop to pickup some flowers for Ed's grave.  I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to get, but once I got there and saw what they had, I easily made up my mind.

Yes, I bought two bulb plants--daffodils and hyacinths.  I will keep them at the grave for a while and then I will find a place to plant them in our yard.  And I'm thinking this might be my tradition so that every spring as the bulbs come up and the flowers bloom, I will think of Ed and smile because he will be proud of the fact that I actually grew something and didn't kill it!

I spent about an hour at the cemetery.  I talked to Ed, I enjoyed the warm, spring air, and I sat and listened to Josh Groban's "You Raise Me Up" (which Dan and I had played at Ed's burial).  I said a couple prayers.  I cried.  I found I cried more than I did a year ago when we laid Ed to rest.  And then I told myself I needed to go be productive and not sit in the cemetery crying all day!

I spent the rest of the day working in the yard.  I find peace when I'm working in the yard.  It's hard, physical labor.  But it is what Ed always took care of and so now I take care of it and do the work to honor him.  To make him proud.

While working in the yard, my neighbor Charlene stopped and we chatted.  Yesterday marked the 25th anniversary of her mother's passing.  She says it still hurts.  But still, 25 years later, she still takes the time to honor her mother and remember her on the anniversary of her death.  My feelings were mixed about this--that after 25 years, the day doesn't necessarily get any easier which is disappointing.  But at the same time, I'm comforted by the fact that I won't forget and that, after 25 years, I will still remember and Ed will still be as special 25 years from now as he is today.  I won't forget and that comforts me.

It was nice to talk to Charlene and as she pulled away and I went back to my raking, I smiled.  I have such nice neighbors.  During the day I received a couple texts and emails from a few special friends--those who have also lost loved ones.  And I was touched by the couple cards I received in the mail.  I appreciate that people remember and acknowledge this day.  More people who "get it."

Some people are afraid to say anything or bring it up, thinking it will remind me and upset me.  So instead they say nothing.  Lesson for today for these people:  Saying nothing is so much worse.  I remember every moment of every day what I have lost.  Not a moment passes when I don't think of Ed.  And every day I mourn my loss.  What has changed is that I have learned to function better and I may not cry as much when I talk about it (but there are moments when I might).  But don't think for one second that if you mention Ed's name or my loss, it is going to remind me and upset me.  I never forget.  That is what people who "get it" understand.  We never forget and that's a good thing because if we mourn and if we grieve our loss, it's because that person who has passed had an impact on our lives.  It meant something and they left a hole in our heart.  It means we miss them which in turn means they lived and loved.  What a wonderful thing.

As I write this post, the goldfinches have returned to the bird feeder.  And there are about 5 of them.  I jump up to get my camera and I sit and watch them.  And remember Ed with warmth in my heart.

I love you Ed and I will always remember and honor you on this day.

April 19th...A Painful Day

I'm not sure why I am hyper focusing on each day and everything that happened one year ago on this day.  I guess that's just how grief works with some people.  I can't seem to turn it off and so I find myself reliving the moments, the feelings, the pain.

• April 19th....my brother's birthday.  A birthday we will no longer celebrate together.
• April 19th....my sister-in-law's wedding anniversary.  An anniversary she can only celebrate in her memory.
• April 19th....2013....the day I signed the paperwork to officially put Ed on hospice.
• April 19th....2014....Holy Saturday.  The sadness of Good Friday lingers and we anticipate the resurrection of Christ, a joyous celebration.  
• April 19th....2014....A day to always remember and honor Michael.  A day to remember Mary and Billy's wedding day which marked the beginning of a marriage of unending love.  A day to remember a decision Ed and I made together, in union, a decision that put my love for him before anything else.

So maybe April 19th is a day about love...

Bits of Happiness

I seem to only post sad moments lately.  That is probably because the pain and grief is still very real.  I work hard to keep busy and ignore it.  But it's there and it usually wins in consuming my thoughts and emotions, especially in the evening as I sit alone or head to bed.  I still miss Ed so much.  The hurt is so deep.  And I still can't believe he's gone--that maybe what I've been experiencing for the past year really isn't real and at some point I'll wake up and Ed and Larry and Mike will all still be here.  For how can they all really be gone?  This is some kind of joke, right?  But it's not a joke.  It's my life.  How I wish I had my old life back--I was so blessed and I knew it and I didn't take it for granted.  But that still doesn't change anything.

I work hard to keep living.  It would be so easy to close down and shut the world out.  But Ed wouldn't want that and it's not fair to Dan either.  So each day I get up and I work hard to live life and try to be positive and take care of myself.

As I write this, a Goldfinch has arrived at the bird feeder outside the window.  And it's a bright yellow against the snow that fell last night.  And it makes me content.  Ed loved the birds and when they come to visit, it gives me peace.  Below are some pictures that represent some of the nice things in my life lately.  For the sun does shine more these days.  I recognize it, acknowledge it, and now want to share some of the brighter moments amongst this darkness.

On April 7th, Dan and I went to a Red Sox game.  We took the T in from his apartment and then I stayed overnight.  It was Ed who made sure Dan had a futon couch so he could have overnight guests.  Thank you Ed!

The tickets were my Christmas gift to Dan, well to both of us.  We had good seats and the rain held off.

From this past weekend.  Spring has arrived!

Ed planted all of these and I get to enjoy them.  Brings me such pleasure.

On April 6th, I ran a 5K in Hadley.  Has been 18 months since my last 5K.
I actually ran the entire course.  Special thanks to Cathy and Lexi for sharing the day with me!

The hibiscus is blooming again.  I've gotten much better at not killing plants!

The Goldfinch (and the snow!) from this morning.

Small pleasures; small bits of happiness peeking through the grief and sadness.  And when I try, I can recognize and appreciate it.  And find peace...

The Valley of Grief is Deep

It's difficult right now.  Each day I relive the events of a year ago.  What was happening this exact day a year ago?  It was a year ago that Ed and I agreed that we needed to change our goal from getting him home to him being without pain.  And any hope that we had that he would get better was no longer a reality.

I can't stop thinking how I've been alone in this house for over a year.  I cannot believe it's been a year--where did the time go?  What have I done in an entire year?  I have not made much progress is cleaning out Ed's things.  The golf club he got for Christmas before he passed still sits in the corner of the living room where he left it.  His clothes still fill the dressers and closets.  Yes, I've gotten rid of a few things, but not much.  But I know I'm not going anywhere and so there is no rush.  When it's time; when it feels right.

I fear this year mark as well.  It has been a year since I've held Ed's hand and felt his touch.  To kiss his lips and feel his hug.  And I fear I'll forgot that.  I have many photos that help me remember his smile and the contour of his face.  But how do I capture the images that only exist in my memory, for I fear the day when these images will fade.

Each day, each moment, right now is a mix of emotions and feelings.  I am touched by those who acknowledge this is a difficult time for me--that a year later the pain and hurt is still there.  At the same time, I am amazed that there are those who haven't a clue.  But then again, did I have any clue before I lost Ed?  No, so I credit those who have not experienced this level of loss, but somehow know that my grief is not gone and over.

I know I need to keep myself busy with tasks.  As I sat on the bedroom floor the other day, overwhelmed by the sadness and tears, I forced myself to go be productive.  To do something other than wallow in my grief.  And I will continue to do that this weekend.  I am thankful that the weather will be nice and I'll go outside and work in the yard.  I clearly remember that last year, spring was delayed in coming.  The days were cold and gray, which matched my mood.  And I was thankful for that.  A year ago today I was researching hospice options for Ed.  Today, I will work in the yard, and try to make Ed proud taking care of what he made and provided for me.

I honor the past, I push through the present, and I fear the future.  But every day as I awake, I thank God that I'm surviving.  I thank Ed for giving me the most beautiful 32 years of my life and giving me such love that it causes me to miss him so deeply.  I love the home we built together and I will work hard to maintain it and do him proud.  And I live on for Dan, for he is the best thing in the world to me; the best gift and legacy Ed could ever leave.  As I continue to move through this valley of grief, I will try to remind myself of these things.

It Happens Unexpectedly

I ran my first 5K in April 2012.  It was a goal I had set for myself.  A new challenge.  Something to try to accomplish before I turned 50.  A goal to help me exercise and be healthy.  I did respectable, finishing around 35 mins and Ed and Dan were there to cheer me on.

I ran my second 5K in October 2012.  This time it was to prove to myself the first 5K wasn't just a fluke and at the age of 50, I could still do it.   My goal was to run the entire course (no walking to catch my breath like I did on my first run).  I accomplished that goal and even bettered my time (around 32 mins).  And Ed and Dan were there to cheer me on and be there when I crossed the finish line.

I had signed up for another 5K in April 2013.  There was no new challenge other than this had become a good way to get in shape and work towards a goal.  Plus this was to support Hadley schools--so it was for a good cause.  I didn't run the 5K in April 2013, though, because that was when Ed was in the hospital.

So here I am a year later.  I've signed up for the 5K again in Hadley and it is this Sunday.  I've been running on my treadmill.  I had a pinched nerve that prevented me from running the past two weeks where I couldn't even walk fast.  But this week, I am back to running.  A bit slower, but at least I'm moving.

This morning it suddenly dawned on me that I will be alone on this run.  Ed won't be driving there, to cheer me on as I take off, or to cheer me on and congratulate me as I cross the finish line.  He was always there for me; always so supportive and encouraging.  And don't tell me he'll be there in spirit.  That is not the same thing.  So I will cross the finish line alone.  And once again, at unexpected times, these things suddenly dawn on me and the sadness and hurt and tears return.  More briefly than months earlier, but still there and still breaking my heart...