Grief Remains

I have come to the realization that no matter how busy I keep myself and how much I work to keep my mind distracted, grief remains.

There are many times in our lives that we hope that if we ignore something, it will just go away.

So if I make myself lists of things to do and if I keep myself busy doing "things", maybe I can ignore the grief.  But I realize that I can't.  As soon as I stop and my mind quiets, the grief springs up to remind me that it's still there.

I do try to focus on all the good memories, but when grief taps me on the shoulder, I get that knot in my stomach that rises to my throat and the sadness envelopes me and the tears begin to flow.

As you know, I have gotten back to the routine of walking outside.  Now I did start jogging a year or so ago.  Partly to try to outrun the bugs, partly to get my workout over with sooner, and partly because last year I had a goal to complete a 5K.  Since Ed passed, even going back to walking outside took a bit.  This morning I started jogging again--partly to try to outrun the bugs, partly to try to outrun the grief.  And as my breathing labored, that is all I heard and so it helped me ignore the grief.

As I finished my run and rested to catch my breath, the sweat poured down my body.  The tears from my eyes blended with the sweat and I felt like my whole body was crying.  And grief has come to visit and as the tears and sweat flow, it is released and I'm ready to begin another day.