Tossed and Turned

I just returned from two wonderful weeks at the beach.  It was extremely hot such that we "had" to go into the water to cool off.  Some days we even had some decent waves.  Now I'm not one who likes really big waves. I have a cautious respect for the ocean.  I've been knocked on my butt before by a wave and it isn't much fun.  So I pay close attention to the waves coming in and make sure they don't crash on me.  If they are too big and unpredictable, you won't catch me in the water either.

On this particular day though the waves seemed manageable.  The problem was that I clearly misjudged one.  I tried to jump over a wave but it was too strong and breaking too fast and it tossed me in the churning water.  As I tumbled, in the foamy, salty water, I felt for the ocean floor so I could figure out which way was up.  And I was able to stop myself from being totally carried into shore by the force of the wave.

As I righted myself and stood up, I was a bit shaken but surprisingly not full of fear.  I went back out to join the rest of the group as if nothing happened.  I laughed it off.  And I stayed out in the water and continued to watch the waves and be more careful about my judgment.  I dove under those that were close to breaking on me.  I floated over other waves allowing the water to lift me.

As I stood there though, I did recognize that I was indeed a bit shaken.  The previous calm and carefree attitude I had beforehand was no longer there.  It eventually returned, but it took some time.  Time for me to relax.  Time for me to breath.

And during this time, it came to me how this tossing and turning in the ocean was a good analogy
of my life.  There are moments, days, time when I'm floating along, enjoying the ride and sunshine and laughter with friends and family.  I try to make good judgments about what is approaching me, watching cautiously for the "wave" that may come crashing down on me.  But just as swift as these ocean waves are, I can sometimes misjudge and I am surprised when I am suddenly knocked off my feet, turned on my head, and my inner core is shaken.  I can plaster a smile on my face while deep down inside, my insides are still churning just as they were on this day in the ocean.

Are these feelings attributed to "grief" or are they just now my everyday feelings?  Some wonder how I can still be grieving after almost 2 1/2 years.  But just as the tide continues to ebb and flow and waves are always present, day in and day out, without ceasing, I believe grief remains, always with me.  And just like the ocean waves, I can't always judge when I can simply float along and rise above it or, instead, when it will knock me down and cause me to be tossed and turned.  I just hope that when I am tossed and turned, I can find my footing and be able to stand upright again.  And if I'm truly lucky, I can find that smile again as well...