Christmas Eve Day

Hard to believe it's Christmas Eve day.  It certainly doesn't feel like Christmas.  The past 4 weeks have just been a blur with Mom's illness. That has been our focus while also juggling "life" in general.  The days have blurred together and I don't know where time goes.  Between the combination of work, taking care of my home and household responsibilities (you know, bills, laundry, cleaning, etc), keeping an eye on Mom's home and taking care of things there as well, visiting Mom and spending time with her each day, and somewhere in there, getting ready for Christmas, life has been a blur.  Most days start at 5:30 am and end around midnight.

The only good thing is that I haven't had the time to miss and grieve Ed at this time of year.  My mind is totally occupied with way too many things that I need to do and remember to do, that there hasn't been time to sit idly and realize this will be our second Christmas without Ed.  And even through Mom's illness and her being in the exact same rooms at Ed in the ICU did not bother me.

Yesterday Mom got a blood transfusion though and she was on 3 North at Cooley...where Ed was when his health declined significantly and he took his last breath.  Sitting in that room, although in the opposite corridor from where Ed was, brought back so many memories.  The look and feel of the room.  The bed where I said my final goodbye to Ed.  This was harder.  It did not bring tears at that time (it does now) but rather this strange awkward feeling that was hard to put my finger on.

But again, no time to sit idle and focus on these feelings...too much to do.  I am so looking forward to having the next 5 days off from work.  Dan is home and our Christmas Eve will be traditional going to Mass and visiting Ed's side of the family.  Christmas Day will be totally different not going to my Mother's.  But we'll visit Mom and then we're looking forward to just having a low-key day at home doing who knows what.

At some level I fear these next 5 days--fear that as I relax, grief or illness will catch me.  If it doesn't happen this week, then there's always next week.  With New Year's I've got another 5 days off from work.  I'm so looking forward to a slower pace--no work and no shopping and prep for the holidays.  Just relax and enjoy the sounds and sights of Christmas and no more hustle and bustle of the holidays.  I know I will reflect on all the Christmases and New Years that I've shared with Ed and that were so special and defined most of my life.  But I hope I will remember them fondly and with less heartache.

Merry Christmas All!

This is actually from Thanksgiving.  How blessed am I to have such a great son!!

He is so helpful when he comes home--cleaned up the driveway on Thanksgiving.
Wish he lived closer but thankful he's close enough to come home often.

LOVE Christmas decorations and lights!

Our tree...  Thankful that Ed decided to buy a pre-lit artificial tree for what would be our last Christmas together.
For a guy who insisted on a fresh cut tree every year, this was quite a change.  It certainly makes it so much easier for me now.  He knew...