Tears and Leaves and Anger

It can be so overwhelming at times.  I try to be strong...to show the world, and myself, that I can do it all.  I can hold down a full-time job, maintain friendships, and take care of the house and yard.  But today it got the better of me.  The leaves in the yard are too deep.  I couldn't stay on top of them during the week due to work.  And now they are too deep to pickup with the mower.  Thankfully I have a leaf blower and so I can blow them into piles.  But they are deep.  And as I fill the tarp, at least for the fifth time, I get angry.

Angry that all the neighbors leaves seem to have collected in my yard.  Angry that I am left to do this all alone.  Angry that no one is here to help me.  Angry that others can spend their weekends and relax and do "fun" things but I am left to spend my weekends doing yard work.  Angry that no one offers to help.  Angry that others simply suggest "hire someone", like it's that simple.  Angry that I need to use my vacation time at work so that I can clean up these damn leaves.  Angry that Ed left me alone to deal with all of this.

And the anger causes the tears to flow.  And then I get angry at my weakness.  I should be thankful that I have my health and am physically able to do this yard work.  And I should be thankful that I have a job that provides me with paid vacation time.  And I should be thankful that I have that damn leaf blower and mower to help make the job easier.

But I am weak today.  And the physical labor and emotional heaviness wear me down.  So today I'm angry.  And I will use that anger to help keep pushing forward.  Because there are leaves to pickup and storm windows to put up and soon the sun will set and I will run out of daylight.  And if I don't finish my work, then I will only get more angry which just means more tears.

A vicious cycle...