And There It Is Again

It feels like a hole...in the middle of my heart.  A sense of emptiness that is difficult to describe.  A dull ache.  A pain that cannot be relieved with Tylenol.  And I don't know where it came from.  Was it falling from what could be defined as "good" moments?  That as soon as those "good" moments are over, you're reminded how lonely and empty life really is?  I wasn't dwelling on it.  I wasn't looking for it.  It just appeared.

It was a good day.  Full of sunshine and warmth, good food, and good friends and family.  But then they left and as I cleaned up the dishes and picked up the house, I wished I had more time to chat with everyone.  But then the reality that Dan would soon be leaving hit me.  Our weekends together are too short.  And as much as I love having him come home, there is pain when he leaves.  He fills the house with the void that exists without Ed.

Sure, he brings home piles of laundry and there's the evidence around the house of another person living here.  And after he leaves, I do finally readjust to the benefits of living alone.  But the transition period is difficult.

And here I am again...trying to make that transition.  As he backed his car out of the garage and drove away, the emptiness began to form in my heart.  And as I walked back into the silent house, which only hours before was filled with family and friends, the emptiness enveloped me.  And as I laid my head to rest for the night, the tears flowed again.  Relief came as sleep overtook me.  And as much as I beg for Ed to come to me in dreams, it never happens.  I wonder why that is?

But here I am again at the start of another week.  And the hole in my heart is still there.  God I miss Ed so much...still.  But the workweek must start and the distraction of work and routine will be good.  And I'll plug along and gain strength in the memory of the "good" times this weekend--time with Dan and time with friends and family.  For they do fill my life with love and goodness.  They fill that hole that is in my heart right now.  I just need to remind myself of that and the pain will soon subside.