Brzycki family: Slow, Quiet Morning

This morning is a slow morning. Yesterday I went with my friend Cathy to a get together with other widows that she had met via a young widow forum. They call this a "widowbago" and someone picks a date and time and anyone who wants to attend can go. Yesterday's Bago was in Westerly RI--a place I absolutely love so when Cathy asked if I wanted to go, I decided to go even though I wouldn't know anyone but Cathy. However, there's a level of comfort when you meet other widows that make these new introductions easier. We have all gone through this terrible event in our lives and we're now trying to pick up the pieces of our lives. And we "get it" in ways I never understood before losing Ed and that no one can understand until you lose the love of your life, the other half of yourself. What is true about every person in this group--whether they are 7 years out or 7 months out, is that we're there to support each other and help to bring joy and laughter back into our lives.

The people I met yesterday were all so sweet and welcoming. Our host brought us on a tour of his family-owned chocolate factory in Westerly. It was bittersweet because the last time I was there was with Ed and Dan. We were on vacation and it was a cloudy, rainy day and so we ventured over to check it out. Yesterday, though, we all got the "behind-the-scenes" tour which I found quite interesting. Their huge vats of melted chocolate, in all kinds of varieties, would certainly make my Christmas-time chocolate dipping so much easier than using my small double boiler!!

The picnic afterwards was very nice and everyone I met was very nice and welcoming. We ended staying until 9:30 and with the drive back, I got home at midnight! So I slept late this morning.

I had my cup of coffee while sitting on the back deck this morning. I watched the Cardinal play in the wet grass, the Robin looking for food; and took in the warmth of the sun and the quiet of the summer morning. It was peaceful but I also realize why I just don't sit idle like this because it is at these times that all my thoughts of Ed come rushing back and the hurt and pain of losing him returns.

Not that I don't miss him everyday, but I tend to be busy doing things and so my mind is engaged in the moment or task at hand. But when I just sit and take in the silence or quiet, the memories of what we had all come flooding back. What were we doing at this time 2 years ago? How was he feeling? What would we be doing at this moment if he was still here today?

What I've also learned though is that I love my home and the house and the yard and what this home that we made together and where we raised Dan. I do find such peace and comfort sitting in the yard enjoying the birds and the flowers and even the lawn that needs constant mowing. It is home and I can honestly say it is my most favorite place on earth.

So I'll update this blog to capture my thoughts and feelings, and then I will go attack my to do list so that I can get back to being functional. It is a beautiful day and I need to be productive not only because there are things to be done, but also because I need to engage my brain so I'm thinking of something else. This is why being busy, at the right level, is a good thing. And right now I'm just trying to find that right balance.