Smiles and Sadness Combined

I know today I should write about yesterday and Ed's funeral.  Since he passed, every day this week our focus has been on preparations for his funeral.  There were things to do and that is what defined our day.  Last night, as we sat alone in the house after visitors left, Dan and I were at a loss in terms of what to do.  There was nothing "to do" and so the loneliness and sadness filled our void.

Ed's funeral Mass and burial was easier than I thought it would be. Now don't misinterpret this, there was really nothing easy about it.  But I thought for sure I would be in a ball of tears all morning.  But instead, the tears came only at certain moments, some poignant, some totally unexplained.

• When his pallbearers stood at his casket to say goodbye.  There they were--the men who were his friends and his family, who so graciously said "yes" when I asked.  Here they were, together, to bring Ed to his final resting place.
• When they incensed his casket and the choir sang the "Celtic Song of Farewell"
• When Fr. Vern, Cathy, and Mike spoke about Ed.  Each one of them said things that made me laugh but also that made me cry.
• Seeing the plaque on our pew in church--it had all our names "Ed, Jeanne, and Dan Brzycki" and it was in memory of "Brzycki and Jasmin families".  It has always been "Ed, Jeanne, and Dan".

I'm sure I cried more than that but I was amazed at how peaceful I felt both at the church and at the cemetery.  I know part of this is because my church has always been a place of loving support and peace with many friends and so this peace enveloped me as we walked in.  There were many moments of smiles and there should be because we were remembering Ed and he lived a good life and had many friends.  But I never thought I would smile through the service itself but I did and today I am comforted by these moments.

• Seeing Fr. Vern and Fr. Charles both there.  Fr. Vern has been a friend to both me and Ed for so long and although Ed would never go back to Mass, he had a unique and comfortable relationship with Fr. Vern.  And Fr. Charles being there was so special.  He not only is close to my mother (my mother was best friends with his sister who recently passed) but he also was close to Mary and her family as well.  A connection between our two families.
• Seeing my choir family and that they took time from their work and day to be there for me.  And they sang beautifully and I thought for sure I would cry with each song they sang, but instead I found loving peace instead.
• Seeing Mary and my nieces and nephews bring up the gifts.  Special people in my life.
• When Fr. Vern, Cathy, and Mike spoke...  I am most amazed and touched by Cathy and Mike and that they both found the strength to honor Ed this way.  I know it was not easy for either of them, but they both spoke from the heart and it was beautiful.
• At the cemetery, the sun shone down and it was a beautiful day.  And I closed my eyes and felt the warmth on my face and then a small breeze would come and I knew Ed was in that small breeze letting me know he was there.  And it was very peaceful and comforting.
• The many friends and family and the moments and memories we shared.

I think Ed would be pleased with our tribute to him and I do smile when I recall the day.

But his funeral also marked an end point.  We have laid him to rest and now we're supposed to move on, right?  We've got the weekend, but then we get back to "normal", right?  But I still struggle with the basic fact that he is not here.  How can he be here one day and gone the next?  I am a logical person and I know this happens to human life.  It ends and it happens to many, many people every day.  But how can that be?  How can someone be here one moment and gone the next and it's expected that life goes on?  This is what hurts the most.  I have felt the emptiness in the house for four weeks now.  And my grieving began weeks ago, those lonely nights when he was not here.  It's that emptiness that I feel now.  An emptiness that I can't grasp or hold onto.  And the reality that I am not going to the hospital to see him or hold him.  And it hurts so...

But that damn sun rose again today and it is supposed to be another beautiful spring day.  And Dan and I will plant the bush we received from his cousins and we will smile and cry throughout the day for I am blessed and so very lucky to have Dan by my side.

Celtic Song of Farewell