The Days are Cooler

The days are cooler.
The leaves are turning.
Memories of our time together.
Going to fairs, picking pumpkins.
I miss you terribly at this time of year.
Fall.
Our birthdays.
Time continuing to tick away.
I miss your companionship.
I miss knowing there is someone who is always there for me
To share with me
To care for me
To love me

What is the purpose of my life?
I never wondered that "before".
Instead I just lived it,
enjoyed it, loved it
Loved you.

As the leaves fall,
my strength falls
Like the bears, I want to go and hiberate
To shut out the world
Sleep gives me reprieve
Reprieve from what has become my so called life

Will I ever find joy again
Will I ever truly be happy again
I try each day to remember how "lucky" I am
And I do have goodness in my life

But I am alone
There is no one who truly loves me
There is no one who cares for me
There is no one to share with
There is no one who truly has my back

And as birthdays approach,
I'm reminded I'm growing older...
without you...
My fourth birthday without you
Without you making my day special
Without you making me feel special

I'm getting older
I'm getting tired
Tired of pretending
Tired of always being the "cheerful" one
To make others feel better

And damn those who don't appreciate what they have
And damn those who don't have "time" for me
And damn those who think everything is just fine
and expect me to learn to just suck it up and appreciate what I have

Easy for them...they have their husbands
They have their families
They have their happy homes
They have someone to go home to...

I never knew it would be so hard
I never knew I'd miss you so much
I want you back
I'm tired


It's fall,
the days are getting shorter
and I welcome the darkness

Seasons Change

Thankfully the heat wave has broken. The evenings and mornings are now cool requiring a light sweatshirt. A sure sign that fall is arriving without needing to look at the calendar. Looking at the calendar though I see it's already September 5th. How can we already be 5 days into September?

Time continues to tick away way too quickly. I wanted to fill the long summer days with all kinds of adventures. Although as I look back, I spent time mourning the loss of a dear friend. There was the shock and grief of his passing. But then there was the impact that loss had both in terms of church-related activities and in rebuilding relationships with church-related friends where we'd become lax in making time for each other.

I am grateful that I was also able to spent time away at the beach with family and friends. A true escape from the daily grind. I can sit for hours just watching the waves on the shore, soaking in the sunshine on my face. Yes, there were still lonely moments, even when surrounded by many people. I am more attuned to the people around me--the young, innocent families with children, large family groups, and couples enjoying the day. It seems everyone walking on the beach is a couple. I see them laughing and am glad they are enjoying each other. I'm sure that's what it used to look like when Ed was here. Our happy family or the two of us walking on the beach together. I walk alone now and the tears still come but less frequently. But the ocean still brings me peace and I feel at home there.

But summer is over and fall is starting to make its appearance. My 4th summer, my 4th fall without Ed. I have always loved the fall--fall fairs, foliage, our birthdays. These are now replaced with a struggle to keep up with leaf raking and preparing the house for winter. There is less time for fairs and also no one to go with. Sure I could ask friends, but it is not the same.

Time marches on. Seasons change. I'm working hard at living life even when I don't want to. And I have been blessed with rekindling some old friendships and making some new ones these past few months. I am still blessed by having the most thoughtful and caring son who is my reason to keep plugging along each day. I know to be thankful for all the gifts in my life and I truly am. I just miss Ed so damn much it hurts and I still struggle to navigate this new life of mine and there are some days that I just don't like it and want to give up.  Maybe someday it will get easier; or maybe not.  Only time, and the changing of seasons, will tell...