Christmas Eve Day

Hard to believe it's Christmas Eve day.  It certainly doesn't feel like Christmas.  The past 4 weeks have just been a blur with Mom's illness. That has been our focus while also juggling "life" in general.  The days have blurred together and I don't know where time goes.  Between the combination of work, taking care of my home and household responsibilities (you know, bills, laundry, cleaning, etc), keeping an eye on Mom's home and taking care of things there as well, visiting Mom and spending time with her each day, and somewhere in there, getting ready for Christmas, life has been a blur.  Most days start at 5:30 am and end around midnight.

The only good thing is that I haven't had the time to miss and grieve Ed at this time of year.  My mind is totally occupied with way too many things that I need to do and remember to do, that there hasn't been time to sit idly and realize this will be our second Christmas without Ed.  And even through Mom's illness and her being in the exact same rooms at Ed in the ICU did not bother me.

Yesterday Mom got a blood transfusion though and she was on 3 North at Cooley...where Ed was when his health declined significantly and he took his last breath.  Sitting in that room, although in the opposite corridor from where Ed was, brought back so many memories.  The look and feel of the room.  The bed where I said my final goodbye to Ed.  This was harder.  It did not bring tears at that time (it does now) but rather this strange awkward feeling that was hard to put my finger on.

But again, no time to sit idle and focus on these feelings...too much to do.  I am so looking forward to having the next 5 days off from work.  Dan is home and our Christmas Eve will be traditional going to Mass and visiting Ed's side of the family.  Christmas Day will be totally different not going to my Mother's.  But we'll visit Mom and then we're looking forward to just having a low-key day at home doing who knows what.

At some level I fear these next 5 days--fear that as I relax, grief or illness will catch me.  If it doesn't happen this week, then there's always next week.  With New Year's I've got another 5 days off from work.  I'm so looking forward to a slower pace--no work and no shopping and prep for the holidays.  Just relax and enjoy the sounds and sights of Christmas and no more hustle and bustle of the holidays.  I know I will reflect on all the Christmases and New Years that I've shared with Ed and that were so special and defined most of my life.  But I hope I will remember them fondly and with less heartache.

Merry Christmas All!

This is actually from Thanksgiving.  How blessed am I to have such a great son!!

He is so helpful when he comes home--cleaned up the driveway on Thanksgiving.
Wish he lived closer but thankful he's close enough to come home often.

LOVE Christmas decorations and lights!

Our tree...  Thankful that Ed decided to buy a pre-lit artificial tree for what would be our last Christmas together.
For a guy who insisted on a fresh cut tree every year, this was quite a change.  It certainly makes it so much easier for me now.  He knew...

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

And starting to feel like it as well.  Last weekend I put up some decorations--not all of them, but enough to make it begin to look like Christmas.  And every night the candles in the windows and the outdoor decorations greet me after a long day at work and visiting Mom.

Mom continues to make progress.  Last week she moved out of the ICU to a rehab facility in Leeds.  We expect she'll be there a few weeks so we have postponed our family Christmas celebration until she gets back home.

Juggling work, being there for Mom, taking care of the house, and getting ready for Christmas has kept me extremely busy.  I have had to cancel/postpone some social engagements and I haven't made it to choir in weeks.  I've also cut way back on my baking, yet I did make some fudge, brickle, and even attempted peanut brittle for the first time (I'm told it came out good)!

By some miracle I got my Christmas cards mailed this weekend and I finally started wrapping gifts.

But even with the hustle and bustle of the holidays and life in general, yesterday while at the grocery store, I found myself singing along to the Christmas music playing overhead.  A light snow that had fallen the night before covered the ground and flurries continued to fall outside.  It certainly was feeling more like Christmas.  And I was surprised when I realized that, even with the stress of my Mom's illness and getting ready for Christmas, I was happily singing along to the Christmas carols.  After I got home, I did some baking and the smells of cranberry nut bread filled the air while Christmas music played.  I find peace in the lights of the Christmas tree and the decorations bring back years of memories.  Memories that bring warmth to my heart.

Yes, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas and it's beginning to feel like it as well...

Sigh...

It's the weekend!  Sigh...  Life has been so hectic lately I'm hoping the weekend gives me a bit of a chance to breath a little, although I doubt it will happen since I have a long list of things to do.

Mom continues to be in the hospital in ICU.  She is making small progress for which we are extremely grateful.  She's not 100% stable yet but the doctors are watching that and Mom's job is to begin to build up her strength so she can get out of bed and walk a little.  We are so much further along though than where we were two weeks ago.  And for that we are so thankful.  There is just a long road ahead of us.

I continue to visit Mom daily to spend a few hours with her.  This has required adjustments to my work schedule and the days are long, sometimes not getting home until after 9 PM or to bed til midnight.  I realize I'm burning the candle on both ends and that I need to be careful because Mom's recovery will be a long road.

My supervisor and staff at work have been terrific.  When I talked to my supervisor about my work schedule she was so understanding and supportive.  That was so nice and gave me one less thing to worry about.  We agreed that I will continue my week-by-week, play it by ear, through the end of the year and then see where Mom is in the new year.  And my staff are all stepping up and moving things forward more independently.  So even though I can complain like anyone else about work, when push comes to shove, they are supportive and flexible and for that I'm thankful.

This week I put up the Christmas tree so it's beginning to look a bit more like Christmas around here.  I still have shopping to do and cards to send and decorating to do.  I'm being forced to cut out my baking this year.  In years past, I baked over a hundred dozen cookies of different varieties and gave them as gifts.  Last year, with Ed's passing, I knew I had a good reason to stop baking, but I didn't.  I only cut back slightly.  But this year...I just don't have the time with Mom in the hospital.  People will understand but it will be my own guilt that I will need to get over.  I'm getting over it...

When Dan was home recently, he took care of putting the candles in all the windows.  Years ago, Ed had bought some sensor candles that automatically come on when it's dark.  We hadn't been using them for whatever reason.  However, when Dan put out the candles this year, these were the ones he used thinking they were the "right" ones.  Of course, when I got home I had to point out that they weren't the "right" ones, but we left them anyhow.  Now I am thankful because every evening, when I get home after a long day, the candles are there shining in the windows--bright, cheery lights to greet me, welcoming me home.

So there is some feeling of Christmas starting here at home.  It's unlikely Mom will be home for Christmas and so we may choose to postpone our family celebration.  But we'll see.  A lot can happen in two weeks.  I mean, just look back to where we were two weeks ago...

Prayers

Some of you coming to this blog may already know that my mother is in the hospital.  It's hard to believe she's "only" been there 4 days.  It seems much longer.  The days are blurring together and I struggle to figure out what it was I had intended to do over the long Thanksgiving weekend.  But that weekend has come and gone now.

Mom wasn't feeling well last Tuesday (fatigued, chills) but Wednesday she seemed to bounce back even saying how she feels so much better.  On Thursday morning though she still wasn't feeling well so my sisters and I told her to go back to bed and we'd get dinner ready.  The reality is that she had already had everything prepared and had even put the turkey in Thursday morning.  So we just needed to follow her list and take care of the few things that were left.  Mom got up and joined us for some conversation and then some time at the dinner table but she tired easily and so went back to bed.  She rested most of the day but by evening as we prepared to leave, she was shaking.  Independently and together we all came to the conclusion that we could not leave her alone.

We weren't sure whether what she had was a simple flu bug but we were most worried about dehydration because she hadn't drank or eaten much over the past couple days.  We called a friend who is a nurse to review her symptoms who confirmed we should take her to the ER to be checked out.  This is where she was diagnosed with double pneumonia.  She is currently in the ICU and I won't go into a lot of detail here.  We have setup a CaringBridge page (http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/patjasmin) because Sunday was not a good day and we all felt the need for prayers for Mom so we reached out via social media.  Mom has many friends and family and the CaringBridge page was the best way to keep everyone posted on her progress.

I myself prayed for Mom, feeling that God owed us one after last year.  I know that's not how it works, but I asked anyway.  I asked Mike and Ed to come to Mom in her sleep to calm her down so she was less anxious and her breathing would less labored.  If the two of them can't be with us, I felt that they had a purpose on the other side and now was the time to come through.

It is weird to be in the ICU.  Mom is in the exact same room that Ed was in.  Several of her nurses are the same nurses Ed had.  They remember me.  They remember Mom.  I think this calms Mom a little because she "knows" them.  I just pray that our outcome is totally different.

So we continue to pray because it is only Mom's determination and our prayers that will pull her through.  The doctors are giving her the medical treatment she needs, but the rest is up to her.  And so I will continue my prayers and I ask that you do as well.

Mom and me with her friends Donna and Sandy on Friday, Nov 21st.  Dinner before the Singing Priest Concert.