Friday, January 31, 2014

You Can't Ignore It

Sometimes it just hits me.  I go about life and I keep busy with work and chores and simple things like cooking dinner or doing laundry.  The workweek passes quickly with filled days and routine--get up, exercise, get ready for work, work, home, prep dinner, dishes, maybe a chore, crash in front of the TV, then to bed, then repeat it all again.  There's little "down" time.  But every so often, I'm reminded that Ed is not here.  Just like I got used to the routine of him always being here and took that for granted, I find I am now getting used to the routine that he is not physically here.  And the hurt in my heart returns and the tears begin to flow as I realize that is is now my life.  It is real.  He is really gone and won't be back.  It's not pretend.  This is now my life.  And I find I still don't like it.  The pain is still there and my heart breaks.  I can try to ignore it, but the truth is, I can't and it's not going away.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Some Call Them Coincidences

It awoke me from a sound sleep.  A loud crash.  Did I dream it or was it real?  I was quite sure it was real.  I listened and didn't hear any other noise so it wasn't someone breaking in (or if it was, they decided to leave).  I got out of my warm bed and headed downstairs to investigate.  As soon as I arrived in the living room, there it was.  The large picture above the fireplace was laying flat on the floor.  On it's way down, it took two photos and the anniversary clock I received on my 10th work anniversary.

Surprisingly, none of the glass in the frames or clock broke.  And Ed's memory candle, that sat just slightly to the left of the clock, sat safely on the mantel, untouched.

I'm not sure why the picture fell.  I had just rehung it after the holidays since we had a wreath in it's place for Christmas.  The nails in the wall are still intact as are the hangers on the back of the picture.

The two small picture frames will need to be replaced.  The clock suffered the most damage.  The glass cover over the face is bent and there are two pretty good marks on the wooden top where it clearly hit the stone hearth on the way to the floor.

I laughed as I picked things up off the floor and assessed the damage and the irony of that clock being damaged did not escape me.  You see, yesterday was my 32nd anniversary at work.  And the day went unnoticed by everyone except me.  Ed always recognized this day for me.  He was quite proud of me and my job and this anniversary never came and went without him acknowledging it in some small way (even if it was just his words of congratulations).  But not this year, or any future year, and that fact did not escape me last night when I arrived home from work.  Just another reminder.

Now, you know I'm always wanting a sign from Ed.  Was last night's event a sign?  I certainly find it ironic that the clock, that has been sitting safely on the mantel for 22 years, now has lifetime damage.  And I can't explain why the picture came crashing down.  There is no reasonable explanation.  If the nails or hangers came out, that would make sense.  So, I'll take this as my sign.  And why not?  It gives me comfort and doesn't harm anyone else.  Of course, he could have picked a more subtle sign to send me, but then again, I'm sometimes oblivious to small things.  There was no way I was missing this sign!

Yes, you can just say "the picture fell".  But I prefer my perspective...

Monday, January 20, 2014

Small Pleasures

It's a three-day weekend and I love it!  Time to do the usual chores--laundry, cleaning, etc.--add some special projects on top, and still have some downtime.  Next weekend, though, will be full and so I'll be pissing and moaning next week!

For now, though, I"ll enjoy.  I did not expect to get 5" of snow Saturday night and therefore cleaning the driveway and decks was not on my original list.  But I got up and got it done.  I love the snow blower that Ed bought last year and I thank him for his every time I use it.  I couldn't understand last year why he needed a new snow blower.  I mean, he had a plow!  Now I know and I'd like to think, at some level, he knew it would make my life easier.

I did some organizing in Ed's workshop.  I'm sure he's freaking a bit at what I'm tossing out, but in his last days he did apologize to me for not finishing cleaning up his workshop.  And I'm sure he's amused at seeing the my woman's touch in his workshop.  Yesterday's was the small, 5-drawer storage container I bought to organize small nails, etc.

The snow is still clinging to trees this morning and the sun is shining and it's a beautiful day.  I've refilled the bird feeders (again, something Ed always did) and the cardinals are back.  I had wondered if I would ever see anything other than chickadees, titmouses, and sparrows.  But both the male and female cardinal are back and there were goldfinches as well.

And I actually have plants that are thriving which is a miracle.  Ed had the green thumb and my hope is just to not kill the plants.  The poinsettia is doing well; the begonia has blossomed; and I'm most proud that the orchid Dan gave me on Mother's Day is flowering again as well.  I'm learning...

The cardinal is back!

Haven't killed it yet.

Blossoms on my Begonia!

Have actually got my Orchid to reflower!



Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Waves

You go about your life.  You think you're learning to cope...to live this new life.  It's been just over 9 months.  Maybe I can learn to live a life without my loved one.  I made it through the holidays in one piece, right?  But, without warning, the tears come.  I could be walking past a picture of the two of us and I recall the event and I see the happiness and love on our faces...and I grieve and tears come without any ability to stop them.  They last a few minutes and then I move on, continuing whatever it might have been what I was doing.  And this occurrence has been happening quite frequently these past few days and I'm not sure why.  And the triggers are unpredictable.  Yesterday, it was as I reached to use the lotion that Ed used while he was in the hospital.  Something so simple and unexpected.

Grief comes in waves and so there must be some storm brewing because the waves are larger and coming more frequently lately and I have no control over them.  Last night, as I headed to bed, a tsunami hit.  The pain was similar to that which I experienced in the early months.  Crying out for Ed, asking for some miracle that would provide me with a sign he was with me.  But none came.  And all the regrets I have came flooding back to haunt me again.  And my ability to reason with myself was not there...just the pain, emptiness, and tears.

What was it about last night that made it so much worse?  The darkness?  The silence of the house?  What I do know as I look back is that in the evening, in the darkness and silence of my bed, our bed, the waves sweep me away.  Eventually, I fall into sleep clutching the tissues that I've used to wipe my tears.

When I awake, the dawn of a new day is fresh and I ponder how I could be so out of control the night before.  I am tired from the lack of sleep and my energy that has been drained from my body.  But the morning brings new perspective. The waves seem to have gone away.  But as anyone who has marveled at the beauty and strength of the sea knows that, just like the sun will rise every day, the waves will return.  Some will be calming and bring peace.  Others knock us on our butt...

Friday, January 10, 2014

Inability to Declutter

It's the time of year when we make resolutions and a common one is to declutter and organize our lives.  It was a resolution I made before and on occasion I make some progress.  In the past, I would blame Ed because he was not one to get rid of things.  I always threatened that when he was gone, I'd rent a big dumpster and just throw everything in.

So now here I sit with the "freedom" to get rid of things.  No one is here to say what I can or can't get rid of.  But I find myself paralyzed.  There is so much that I could or should clean out including some of Ed's things.  And I'm overwhelmed by it all.  I realize I'm having difficulty separating from these "things".

Some of it is because they are things that belonged to Ed and I don't want to make that decision without Dan.  Some of it I think is because I've lost enough in the past year and so thinking of parting with things, even things I don't particularly need or care for, has become difficult.

So as much as I want to do a major cleaning and have it all done by spring, I'm going to give myself a break and not worry about it this year.  I didn't do it last year and one more year isn't going to matter.  And just allowing myself this, I feel a sense of relief.  Sure, if I see something on a shelf or in a closet that I know I can toss without a second thought, I'll do that.  But any major cleaning out of "stuff" will just have to wait.

Baby steps...

Monday, January 6, 2014

Anger and Appreciation

I am angry often...  Am I angry at God?  I'm not sure.  I'm more just angry at this hand that has been dealt me.  I am angry that Ed is not here and that his life was cut short.

But then there are moments that make me appreciate the time we had.  When I read the obituaries and I see babies, teenagers, and many younger than me or Ed who have passed.  And I feel for them and their families because Ed and I did have many years together.  Their lives were cut much shorter.

Today I had an epiphany and realized that, although I miss Ed so very much, I would not trade our years together for anything.  For as I come home from work and feel safe and secure in the home we made together, I am thankful that he gave this to me.  He gave me a home, he gave me security, he gave me a love so deep and that it is why I mourn so deeply.

But I know, from the deepest recesses of my heart, that we were blessed to have found each other. One different decision, one different reaction 32 years ago and our lives could have taken such different paths.  Where would I have gone?  What would my life have turned out to be?  It doesn't really matter because what I know, without a single doubt, is that I wouldn't change a thing.  I have been blessed to know such deep love and such happiness and Ed gave this to me.

Do I like being a widow at 50?  Absolutely not and I don't wish it on anyone.  But I wouldn't trade the years of utter happiness, security, joy, friendship, and love that Ed and I shared.  And so each day I thank Ed for what he gave me and what he's left me.  For I have been blessed to know true love, for 32 years, from a man who always put me first, who got joy from making me happy.  Such unselfish love.  And so as much as I at times will mourn, and get angry, that we were robbed of many more years together, I know I was lucky to have such wonderful years together and, that, I will always carry with me.  And reminding myself of this turns that anger into appreciation...

Friday, January 3, 2014

Assorted Chocolates

For Christmas, I received a box of assorted chocolates.  One of those boxes where they give you a "map" so you can identify each one.  As I went to get one tonight, there was nothing left but creams.  I don't particularly care for the creams but those were Ed's favorite. Me, I prefer the nuts and caramel.  And so I closed the box and wonder how long those creams will sit there with no one to eat them.  Ed and I complemented each other well...even when it came to sharing a simple box of chocolates.

My Story

Lately I find myself moving through the days, being with others, laughing, and living life. Days pass quickly and grief, sadness, and feelin...