Tuesday, December 31, 2013

The Calendar

It's an annual ritual, at this time of year.  Time to unwrap the calendar for the new year.  And I prepare it by writing in birthdays and anniversaries for the year.  I use the current calendar as my reference.  This enables me to include ages and number of years for anniversaries.  It also helps me not forget new birthdays and anniversaries that happened during the year.

There was a noticeable difference this time though.  I was surprised at the number of anniversaries of someone's passing that I needed to include this year.  In previous years, the only one I had included was my father's.  2014 will be 25 years since he passed.  2014 will also mark the 7th anniversary of my brother-in-law Billy's passing.

But as I prepared my 2014 calendar, it shocked me at the number I included from this past year.  And I list them here now as a tribute to them.

January:  Theresa Banas
February:  Bob Donovan
March:  my brother, Michael
April:  Ed
May: my brother-in-law Larry
June: Mike Allen
August: my brother-in-law Billy
December:  my father

As much as I'm happy to say good-bye to 2013 this evening, I approach 2014 with apprehension as this marks the start of a new year in my new life...a new life that I'm unsure about, not thrilled about, but have no choice but to figure out.  And my wish for 2014 is that there are happy moments of celebration that will fill our calendars and that these will outnumber the sad moments.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Merry Christmas!

It's Christmas morning and I'm up enjoying a cup of coffee in the quiet solitude.  The lights on the Christmas tree are on, a fire is going in the fireplace, and I'm excited for Dan to wake up and bound down the stairs so we can exchange gifts.  Just like previous years.  In the past, I'd be sitting here with Ed, waiting for the day to begin.  He would turn on the lights and Christmas music as I made our coffee.  But this morning I turned the lights and music on.  But I know he's with me.

Last night Dan and I went to Christmas Eve Mass.  It's the Mass our choir (which I'm a member of) sings at.  And the church was filled with families celebrating the birth of our Savior and the church was decorated beautifully and the sounds of Christmas filled the air.

A light snow was falling on our drive out to Hardwick last night and, although I fretted a little bit about slippery roads, it helped put me in the Christmas spirit and look forward to the evening.  

We had a good time last night with "the in-laws" (that's my short-hand for Ed's side of the family).  I wasn't sad or teary.  I was actually surprised that I enjoyed the company and laughter.  Of course, having little children around and sharing in their excitement of opening gifts certainly helps.  But the adults shared laughter as well and we had a lot of fun as we did a Yankee Swap.  There were many hugs and kisses and I smiled and wished others a "Merry Christmas"--and it wasn't fake.  There was joy and so I learned it can happen.

After we got home, I went into my bedroom for something and found the candle in the window lit...the same one that I awoke to being lit the other night.  And I know I did not turn it on since I consciously did not turn on the candles upstairs last night.  And Dan swore up and down that he did not (and he didn't even know the story about the candle turning on the other night).  My sign from Ed that he was there.  You can all say that I'm nuts, it's coincidence, but again, I choose to believe what brings me peace and joy.

And so as I begin Christmas Day, I have faith that I will make it through this day because I will be sharing it with family and friends.  And I know Ed will be with me and he will smile that Dan and I are navigating our ways through our new lives and that we are together, the two of us supporting each other.  But, also, with the support of Ed's family and mine.

May you all have a Merry Christmas and I pray you all have loved ones to share it with and know that the gift of life, the gift of health, the gift of family and friends is better than any wrapped package you may receive today.  Christmas Blessings to All!

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Merry Christmas Eve Day

It is Christmas Eve Day and I'm excited and joy-filled and thought maybe I should post something positive on this blog and capture this "good" moment.  I am all ready for Christmas (good thing, huh?) and Dan is home.  He is excited about opening gifts--not for himself, but the gifts he bought for me.  And it reminds me of Ed because he was the same way.  It wasn't about the gifts he was getting, but he was more excited about watching others open the gifts he gave.  And it makes me smile that Dan is the same way.  There is no question that his father lives on through him.

I will be seeing family for Christmas--both Ed's side of the family and mine--and I'm thankful that I have them in my life and that the tradition of spending time with them over the holidays has not changed.  I know others who have lost loved ones and now find themselves unsure of how they will spend Christmas.  I am thankful that although Ed, Mike, and Larry will not be with us this year, we all still will gather and celebrate and remember them as well.

And I have such caring friends and colleagues.  Some of my new friends are those I've met this year because of our common grief and I appreciate that we think of each other often and are there to support each other.  And my colleagues at work are such thoughtful and caring people.  I am blessed by the many people in my life.  And if I haven't learned anything this year, it is the people in our lives that are most important.  Yes, we share gifts as a way to acknowledge our caring and friendship.  So remember that as you open your gifts that is not just the gift itself but the love wrapped up in it as well.

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas!

My picture of Ed with Rudy the Reindeer and the flowers and candle that were gifts from friends.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

A Light in the Darkness

I woke up this morning and was ready to go.  I have a lot of things to get done and as I made the bed there were two things I realized:  1) I was humming a Christmas tune and 2) that I should never update my blog at night.  I find that it is the quiet and darkness of the evenings that are more difficult for me.  You never hear about me crying as I awake in the morning; but the crying is often as I lay my head to rest.

Last night I was a mess and I wondered whether writing this blog was only making matters worse.  That I was recalling my feelings and getting myself all upset and should I consider taking a break.

But I realize that this blog, as much as it is a way to share with all of you, it is also my diary.  I go back often and re-read old entries--what was going on in my life? How was I feeling? What were Ed and I doing a year ago, two years ago?

So this morning as I dressed in Ed's Eagles pants and shirt (they're playing tonight and although I'm not a huge football fan, I will always root for Ed's Eagles) and hum Christmas tunes, I thought I'd write another quick message on my blog to share my joyful mood (for a change) and also share two specific stories since last night.

The first is that last night, at some point, I woke up and found the candle in the bedroom window was on.  Now I turn the candles off every evening before I go to bed and I know this candle was off because otherwise it would light up the room.  Now the practical side of me could say that I simply did not loosen the bulb enough (since I just twist the bulb and don't bother unplugging it).  However, I would rather like to think it was Ed sending me a sign that he was there.  And there's no harm in believing that.  In fact, the other day, I came downstairs to find a candle in the living room window on.  I just told myself I forgot to shut it off.  But now I wonder...  And why not believe that?  It does no harm to anyone and brings me some level of comfort.  And this is faith I guess.  You can either explain away everything that happens or just have faith that someone is watching out for you.  I used to believe it was God or my guardian angel or whatever you might believe.  Now I'd rather believe it's Ed.

The second thing I wanted to share brought tears to my eyes.  I made my cup of coffee and sat down to read the church bulletin from yesterday and there I was surprised to find that the 10AM Mass on Christmas Day will be said for Ed.  It doesn't indicate who requested it and (no one would be surprised by this), I have a complete list of all Mass intentions that people gave when Ed passed.  Christmas Day is not on the list.  And how did Ed rate to get Christmas Day?  As with many parishes, it is difficult to get a Mass Intention because they fill up so quickly so sometimes you are waiting a year for a weekend or Holy Day Mass.  I am just so touched and it brings tears to my eyes (no surprise there).  What a beautiful gift for Ed to receive on Christmas morning, better than any gift I could give him.  And I thank the person or persons who did this.  What a nice gift for me as well.







Saturday, December 21, 2013

8 Months

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while.  The last few weeks have been busy with work and getting ready for Christmas.

On Sunday, December 8th, I traveled to Tallahassee for a business meeting.  All day Sunday was spent traveling there.  We then had a 2-day meeting and then Tuesday evening I flew back, getting home around 1:30 am.  Once the business trip was over, I could then focus on getting ready for Christmas.  I find I continue to just move through life.  I work, I come home.  I have things on the calendar and an ongoing "to do" list.  Busy, busy, busy...

Tomorrow marks 8 months since Ed passed.  And this busy-ness has kept me moving through each day.  And I hate that somehow I've survived 8 months without him. How can that be?  The pain is still so raw and deep that I find it hard to believe it's been 8 months.  Everyone tells you "it's takes a year".  Well, I think they're wrong.  I think it takes a lifetime because I don't know how I made it through 8 months and I don't see anything magically changing in the next few.

But the holidays are here and we're supposed to be happy and joyous and all that other crap!  Yes, there are days when I feel like crap and wish I were a bear and could just go hibernate for winter.  But I can't.  I have a home to take care of.  I have a job.  I have a family.  I have responsibilities and so I must get up every day and I must plug away at my never ending "to do" list.

There are some bright and dare I say, happy, moments.

Dan came home last weekend and I am once again reminded how blessed I am having him in my life.  He took his father's words to take care of me seriously and I know his father is very proud of him.  If it wasn't for Dan, I don't even want to think about where I'd be right now.  So everyday I thank God for him and know that Ed lives on in particular through Dan.

Last weekend Dan and I also put up the tree together and as I turn on the lights each day, it makes me smile. In all our years together, Ed always got a fresh tree and took care of trimming it and putting the lights on it and then I would help decorate it.  He loved the smell of a fresh tree and didn't want anything else--until last year.  Last year, he decided to get a pre-lit artificial tree.  And that made putting up the tree this year so much easier.  I often wonder why he decided last year to finally get an artificial tree.  Part of it I know was because of the cost of a fresh tree but I also know part of it was because he was tired and he didn't have the energy to get a fresh tree.  I wonder if part of him also knew it to make my life easier.

The other thing he did to make my life easier was to buy a new snow blower last year.  I used it last weekend when we got about 6-8" of snow.  Dan was home and offered to clear the driveway for me, but I needed to learn to do this and so while I used the snow blower on the driveway, Dan shoveled the decks.  Tuesday we got more snow and I was out there again with the snow blower clearing the driveway.  I think I've mastered this, so I don't mind if there's no more snow this winter!  How I've always loved snow.  Of course, that was because Ed did all the cleanup!

This past week I also finished decorating the house for Christmas.  Each decoration brought back memories--those that Ed and I bought when we were first together; those we bought over the years; those Ed made.  One decoration I could not find was our mistletoe.  It was a pathetic, plastic thing that we've had since when we were first together.  I know last year we talked about getting a new one...a nicer one.  And this year, as I unpacked our decorations, I could not find that pathetic mistletoe.  We must have gotten rid of it thinking we'd get a new one.  But we never did get a new one, and how I miss that stupid plastic decoration now.  I know I could go out and buy a new one, but the idea of mistletoe and kissing your loved one under it, has lost it's appeal for me.

And it is these small moments in time, that bring the tears back.  I know everyone tells you how difficult the holidays are. But reality is, they are not much harder than any other day.  What makes them a bit more difficult is that everyone expects you to be happy and joyous.  It's Christmas after all!

There are moments of brightness in my life.  The potluck dinner with those I met through the bereavement support group.  Or a night together with my new friends in the "The Supper Club".  Or the cards I get in the mail from those thinking of me and Dan, especially those from Ed's friends who haven't forgotten me even though Ed is not here.  And I even get some pleasure watching the traditional Hallmark movies on TV, although this year they all seem to involve widows (I know that's not true, but it seems it).

We're not changing much with Christmas this year, although I understand I have a "pass" if there is something I don't want to do.  But we will go to our in-laws and my family as we've done every year.  I guess this is a good thing because I don't need to figure out what I'm doing.  These traditions will fill my time and days.  But I know Christmas morning the void will be huge.

Already, as Dan and I have put gifts under the tree, I realize there are fewer of them. There are none for Ed and there are none from Ed.  And the emptiness under the tree matches the emptiness in my heart.  How he loved to surprise me and his gifts were so thoughtful.  He truly spoiled me and made me feel so special.  (He also never allowed us to put gifts under the tree before Christmas, so that is one tradition Dan and I have changed!)

Tomorrow will be 8 months since Ed passed.  Another mark in time.  It breaks my heart that somehow I've managed without Ed for 8 months--how can that be?  That time has passed so quickly.  It feels like just yesterday and the pain is still here and I still miss him tremendously. December 8th marked 24 years since my father passed.  How in the world has my mother gone on for 24 years without him?  I cannot fathom it, not now at least.

Tallahassee, FL

Clearing the driveway

All done!

An animated GIF that Dan made.  Makes me laugh...

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Damn Tears

I'm glad I captured the past weekend because come Monday evening I was a mess of emotions again.  Not for any particular reason.  Just because.  Part of it, I realize, is that as much as I'm proud of all I'm accomplishing, it upsets me that I even need to doing this juggling act.  That this life that has now been forced upon me is not what I wanted or asked for.  And it saddens me.  Deep down inside, I don't want to be this woman who is somehow managing.  I want to be that woman who can collapse into a ball of tears and have my husband comfort me and pick me back up again.  But instead I have my family that tries to pick me back up again and that just makes me sadder because I've never had to rely on them or anyone other than Ed.  Any emotional upsets I've had in the past were private...between me and Ed or Dan and kept within our home, not for the world to see.

But now, here I am, posting on a public blog what a mess I am.  Okay, so I'm not a total mess.  But I do have my moments.  And, yes, they are becoming fewer with more time in between.  And as I look back over the past several months, I can recognize that I am learning to cope better.  That my routines without my life partner are becoming more "normal" (whatever "normal" means).  I haven't found my rhythm yet and my life is not as settled as I would like it to be.  But I'm giving myself that proverbial year.  In the meantime, I just continue to march on.

The cemetery box I got for Ed's grave.  He loved the smell of fresh pine.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Belated Happy Thanksgiving

The days leading up to Thanksgiving were a mix of emotions.  However, since Wednesday, things have been relatively good.

I had the day before Thanksgiving off from work to run errands and bake pies.  I got a flu shot (isn't that on the requisite Thanksgiving list of things to do?), then stopped at the Spirit Haus to get drinks for Thanksgiving day.  It was nice to see Marvin--it connects me to Ed in a different way.  In addition to getting some beer and wine, I also got a couple hugs from Marvin as well.  How blessed I am to have him in my life.

It was then off to Atkins where I picked up a lemon meringue pie.  Making the lemon meringue pie was one of the things I gave myself a break on this year.  It's a lot of work and I usually am disappointed in the meringue, so I crossed that off my list for this year.  Next stop was my mother's to drop things off.  My sister Marion was there and the three of us set the table for Thanksgiving dinner.  There would be 17 of us--Mom at the head of the table, 8 on each side.  The opposite end of the table was left empty in honor of Mike and Ed.

After I got home, I baked the apple pie and pumpkin pie.  My apple corer/slicer worked perfectly this year which I was very grateful for.  One less source of frustration.  I then baked some cookies in preparation for Christmas giving.  I guess I will continue that tradition, but I'm definitely scaling way back.

Dan decided to drive home Thursday morning which was fine with me.  There was no traffic and he was home shortly after 9 AM.

Thanksgiving Day was spent at my mother's.  It was a nice day with my sisters, their families, my aunt, and my sister's in-laws.  Dan took our family photo.  And my mother prepared a special prayer before dinner.  That is the only time tears came to my eyes.  When we paused to remember Mike and Ed.  But the rest of the day was enjoyable watching the girls decorate gingerbread houses or us all playing Pictionary.  But the guys usually hung out downstairs watching football--that room was quite empty this year and so I didn't remain there long.

And I have to admit that I have LOVED having Dan home and will be sad to see him go today.  But I am reminded how blessed I am to have him here and he is such a big help.  On Friday, he put up the outdoor Christmas decorations.  Now this was a source of anxiety for me because I did not have a clue how Ed wired them up and connected them to enable us to turn them on/off with the remote.  But Dan was paying attention last year and he knew how Ed ran the extension cords and connected everything and Dan took care of doing all of this for me.  If Ed ever thought Dan was not paying attention while he helped him with these types of projects, he was clearly mistaken for I am surprised how much Dan does know and did pickup on.  Another reason why I am reminded how blessed we were to have Dan home with us last year.

Putting up the outdoor decorations was one of the big ways Dan helped me.  But he also helps in small ways like cleaning up the dirt pile in the driveway or putting away dishes in the dishwasher.  And this morning I noticed he packed up and put away the golf club "stuff" that Ed had all over the top of the pool table.  We usually wrap gifts downstairs and stack things on top of the pool table.  But I didn't know what to do with all that golf stuff that Ed had opened/spread out on top of the table.  So it has just remained there for the past 9 months.  But it made me smile when I saw that Dan took care of packing it all up and putting it away in a closet.  I am so lucky to have him in my life.

So the weekend has been good.  I've worked on Christmas cards, shopping, baking, and watching Hallmark movies.  The outside decorations are up and candles are in the windows.  Ed would be proud since he always did this...he enjoyed Christmas so much.  And I have always loved Christmas as well.  I definitely don't have that same feeling this year--how can I when half of my heart is missing.  But, I am proud of the fact that I am finding some enjoyment in shopping and baking and decorating.

Of course, I still miss Ed tremendously and the tears come easily when I turn my thoughts to him not being here with me physically.  I know...everyone says he's still with me.  Yes, in my heart, but not in my arms, not to hug me and kiss me and spoil me as he always did.  He got such pleasure out of buying gifts for me and surprising me on Christmas morning.  And it's not about the gifts but rather the happiness and joy Ed had surprising me and Dan with the treasures he put under the tree.  So the tears will still flow and my heart will still ache, but I will find joy knowing we shared 31 beautiful Christmases together and that is a priceless gift we gave each other.

Pumpkin

Apple

Christmas baking has begun!

Our Thanksgiving Family (Back row, L-R, Tim, Roger, Papa, Dave, Dan; Middle row, Cathy, Maureen, Marion, MommaJeanne, Theresa, Me; Seated, Mom and Gingy; Front row, Nick, Lexi, Ali, Matt)
Outdoor Christmas decorations thanks to Dan!



My Story

Lately I find myself moving through the days, being with others, laughing, and living life. Days pass quickly and grief, sadness, and feelin...