Saturday, October 26, 2013

A Dream

I had a dream last night and Ed was there and I remembered the dream when I awoke.  It was a dream I had in the morning, just before waking.  I was so thankful for it that the first thing I did upon waking was to focus on the memory to retain as much detail as I could before thoughts of the day began to wash it away.  Then I thanked Ed and God for bringing me this dream.

Now it wasn't something moving or mystical like in Ghost.  Parts of it seemed real and current.  Other parts did not.  There was one part where I think we all were at the beach (although it didn't look like any beach cottage we've ever been at).  It was time to pack-up and of course Ed had his own pace and routine for this that didn't flow with the rest of us, but that memory is less familiar.  There's another part of that, that I can't recall.  I know there's something I dreamt about, but I can't recall any detail.

But the clearer details are related to the following two scenarios.

Ed was outside getting into the Monte Carlo to start it, wanting to make sure it still started.  I told him I had been starting it while he was away.  I did not recognize where we were but that darn Monte was still there.  And then I remember looking towards the left, which was a side entrance to whatever house we were at.  Outside the entrance were a couple old chairs--more like visiting room chairs versus comfortable living room chairs.  They were old and needed repair and I asked where they came from.  I soon realized these were "treasures" that Ed found and brought home.  And my reaction was that I had just gotten rid of all his "treasures" and he wasn't going to start saving this stuff again.  And part of me was touched because it was Ed and part of me was annoyed and thought "here we go again".

The final part of the dream had me and Ed standing at the edge of the yard watering the new grass I was growing.  This was in front of our house and the place was familiar.  I told him I sold his van and truck and so now he didn't have any vehicle to drive.  He asked me what I got for them ($$ wise) and when I told him he was pleased and that was better than he had hoped.

And that was it...  Visions and conversations about practical things.  Part of it I could not relate to; other parts I could.  But it was simple...kinda like me and Ed.  And a little bit of a reminder of the things that Ed did that annoyed me.  I realize over the past 6 months, all I can see and remember are all the ways he was perfect to me and for me.  But I know we weren't perfect.  There were ways we both annoyed each other (although I always joked with him that there could not possibly be anything annoying about me!).  You can't be with someone for over 30 years and have everything be perfect.

So it makes me smile that part of this dream was Ed telling me I did good and saw that I was taking care of things and then part of it was a reminder of those little annoyances.  The annoyances that I would take back in a heartbeat.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Observations and Coincidences

Dan and I used to joke that big brother was watching us...or rather watching what we were watching on TV.  Coincidentally, we noticed on several occasions how the commercials on TV seemed aligned to things going on in our life.

When Dan was getting ready to go to college, it seemed we continually saw ads for shopping for dorm life and preparing for college.  When we were planning to go on a cruise, it seemed every other commercial was for Norwegian Cruise Line or Carnival.  Ads regarding cancer treatments and colon cancer began to appear with more frequency.  And when Ed was experiencing digestive issues, Mirolax and Ducolax ads were frequently shown.

It's an odd observation and I'm sure it's actually the fact that none of these topics caught my attention previously.  They were about subjects or topics that I was not familiar with.  So maybe I just tuned them out when I couldn't relate?

But this odd "alignment" or observation or whatever you want to call it continues since Ed has passed.

I won't tell you how many times I saw the ad for Beers&Story funeral home earlier this year (haven't seen it since).

Newspaper articles also seem to follow this pattern.  Several months ago there was an article in the paper about women who are single and decide to live together to provide both financial but also physical and emotional support to each other as they get older.  (I'm hoping that's not me!)

Articles about cancer and hospice and bereavement are running rampant.  There was even an article in the paper yesterday about "death cafes" where people can go and talk about death and dying--the taboo topics in our society.

But there are other odd coincidences.

Every year when I go to the beach, I grab a book to read.  I love Sandra Brown, in particular her romance novels (yes, I just divulged to the world that I read romance novels...oh well!).  The problem is I never can remember what I've read or haven't read (yes, because romance novels are all pretty much the same).  So what I do is just pick out one that was written recently and that is what I did this summer and ordered one of her recent books from Amazon.  How ironic that the book ended up being about a widow who lost her husband unexpectedly.  Really?

And every song on the radio seems to be about loss or the words have such strong meaning to me--Cups (Pitch Perfect's "When I'm Gone"); Pink's "Just Give Me a Reason"; and in particular Rihanna's "Stay".  I turn off the radio since I can't listen to them.

Even TV shows...  A recent Glee episode had Kurt and his father talking about the passing of Kurt's mother.  His father said he would give 50 years of late-night arguments about trivial matters to have 10 more minutes with her next to him and, when it comes down to it, we only get a few days with our loved ones.  Even last night, Criminal Minds--a show I rarely watch--dealt with Hotch undergoing surgery and during this time having "visions" about his late wife.  And as they were parting she says to him "Happiness is a choice" and she proceeds to tell him he should be happy; he has a right to be happy.

There are so many other coincidences and they all don't come to mind right now.  But when they occur, I may pause, I may laugh at the irony of it all, or I may ponder...such as last night.  Am I not choosing to be happy?  I'd rather think that it's just very difficult right now to fathom happiness and what that looks like without Ed.  But I digress...

The point of this posting is to just share the odd coincidences in life.  I'm not sure what it means or if there is any meaning at all...rather it's simply an observation.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Six Months

Another one of those stupid marks in time.
Ed left me 6 months ago today.
And the last 6 months have been a blur yet I can't fathom how it's been 6 months.
And it breaks my heart because half a year has already passed and I guess it's real...
that he's not coming back and this is not some bad dream.
I keep hoping I will wake up and find that this has been some terrible joke.
But I pinch myself and know it's not a dream.

I have felt such pain, more pain in the past 6 months, than I have felt in my lifetime.
And it hurts even more because Ed is not here to hold me in his arms and comfort me and make it all better for me.

But I think back over the 6 months and I recognize changes.
Those nights when I awoke frequently, gasping for breath or feeling as though my heart had stopped beating.  I truly felt I was falling into an abyss...

My forgetfulness and carelessness is much less or at least I'd like to think so.  It has not gone away, but the fog that I lived in those first few months is beginning to lift.
I guess these are all signs that time is passing and I'm somehow learning to live each day without the love of my life.
Which just makes me sad.

There are days when I'm productive since I have no other choice.  Ed is not here to care for the yard or fix things around the house or to just simply share the chores of life.  I now must do these things myself, alone.  I am learning to juggle the demands of home and work--by myself.  It can be difficult but I see many others doing it and so must I.  So I keep myself busy with the busyness of the day.  I go about things like a robot, distracted by the fall TV shows.

Then BAM!  Without warning, grief smacks me up along side of my head.  I guess Grief doesn't like it when you ignore it for too long.  There doesn't have to be a specific trigger.  It just happens and I become gripped by the depth of hopelessness, aloneness, and heartbreak.

I try to reason with myself.  This is life.  This is death.  I need to focus on and count the blessings I have had my entire life.
But it doesn't help.  I never wanted this (who does?).  I never prepared for this (who can?).
I wish for a miracle....for Ed to speak to me.  For Ed to appear to me like in the movies.
But this isn't the movies.  This is my life.  And it sucks.
 
I like to think Ed is proud that I am taking care of things--figuring things out and doing what I need.
But then it breaks my heart because, if only I did these things while he was still here, then he would see what I can do and he could tell me himself he is proud of me.
But I didn't...he had his chores and I had mine.  We were a team and we accomplished all that had to be done by sharing the load.  And now I have no one to share the load with.

Is my grief any less than it was 6 months ago?
No...just different.  Tears still come at unexpected moments and not always in private.
Before Ed passed I would have considered myself a happy person who liked to cheer up others with a smile, a laugh.  I truly felt life was good and always found the glass half full.  Do I tend to see the glass half empty now?  No, I just rather throw the damn glass against the wall instead!

For I miss Ed and grieve the loss of him as well as the loss of Mike and Larry, too.
And I'm angry because wasn't losing just one of them enough?  Why two of them?  Why all three of them?  Why, why, why??  I don't understand and I'm angry at life in general.

I do not see the joy in each day.
I do not find happiness in the sunrise or the ocean or the changing colors of the leaves.  Those things that I used to gaze upon and appreciate.
I do not feel that Life Is Good.
Life sucks.
There are moments with friends and family that I enjoy.  We laugh and I am distracted by my life.
But these times also make me miss Ed because I want to share these moments with him.  We shared everything.  Our lives, our love, our thoughts.  We were one.

There are times I look around the house, our house, the home we built together.  And I appreciate that I have the warmth of this building and its rooms that are filled with memories.  Memories that we created, here together, with Dan.
And I'm thankful for all Ed gave me.
And I'm thankful for the memories.
But the memories only bring back the emptiness and loneliness and massive void that exists in my life.
I did not want to live my life without Ed.
I did not want to be alone.
I did not want to prove to the world how strong I could be.

I am thankful for the friends and family I have.
I hate that I've made new friends.  Friends that have come into my life because of our common grief due to the loss of a loved one.  I know they understand and don't take it personally, for if they had a choice, they wouldn't want to know me either.  It's our common tragedy and pain that has brought us together.

And so, at 6 months, I continue to try to find a rhythm in my life.
There is not happiness.
There is just being.
Because life pretty much sucks...
Even 6 months later...

Monday, October 14, 2013

Wasn't So Bad

I know you're all wondering how yesterday's wedding was.  All-in-all it was good.  I realize I am truly blessed with some great friends who watch out for me and make me feel included.

As I sat in the church with my friend Lynn and her family, I thought about Ed and how he would have gone to the Church with me even though he'd prefer not to.  And he would have fussed with his tie beforehand.  Although I thought he looked nice in a suit and tie, he was not comfortable wearing those.  We would have enjoyed sharing small comments at observations we both would make (like the guy in front of us who obviously had on a new suit coat but hadn't removed the stitching on the flaps).

Ed would have enjoyed hanging out with Terry and the open bar.  The two of them having their beer and joking about whatever topic might come up.  I can just see them standing there, quietly making comments to each other, and then laughing out loud.

The moments of Ed coming to the forefront of my mind were at various moments throughout the day.

  • When I came downstairs all dressed and there was no one for me to ask "how do I look?"
  • When Hilary and Bryan exchanged vows.  So young, so innocent, so full of thoughts of a future together.  How the words "in sickness and in health" I remember saying but not truly understanding the "sickness" part.  And they didn't use "until death do us part".
  • When the priest asked all married couples to raise their hands to pray over the couple--guess that doesn't include me anymore.
  • When they did the married couples dance and the couple that was last had been married like 60 years.  How lucky for them.
  • When they talked about Hilary and Bryan having many years together and growing old together.  Ed and I didn't grow old together--at least I don't think we were old.

But overall the evening was good.  I remembered to put in my purse those things I needed and never thought about in the past because Ed was always there--cash for drinks and my AAA and debit/credit card in case of emergency.  I drove myself even though I had offers to ride with others.  But I needed the flexibility to leave when I wanted or needed to.  I had no idea how the evening would unfold and how I was going to do.

They seated me at a table with people I knew from choir and church so it was comfortable and the conversation flowed.  The fact that I was #9 at a table for 8 did not escape me.  Damn.

But I was certainly among friends and they made me feel included and it was a lovely evening.  I was careful about what I drank and when I was ready to leave, I was sure not to walk alone to the parking garage.  I just had to be smart.

I stayed until just about the end (probably left 5 minutes early).  It was a lovely evening and I'm glad I went.  I know Ed would have had a good time as well.

Going to wedding alone.  Done.  Check.  Success!

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Weddings Can Suck

Today I'll be attending a wedding and I have mixed feelings.

Last weekend there was a wedding at our church and when I arrived the wedding party was outside having pictures taken.  It wasn't the bride and groom who caught my attention, but rather the parents of the bride.  They were dressed so nicely and were so happy.  And I found I was both envious and angry that they both were there to share this special day with their daughter.  Do they realize how lucky they are to be together and to be so happy?

There was another wedding at our church yesterday and to see the young couple made me smile.  But then at the same time I was heartbroken because, once again, both parents of the groom were there.  And I'd like to think they know how lucky they are because this family has had to deal with health issues and so the fact that they were all together to share this special day, I'm quite sure they did not take for granted.

But I can't help but draw my eyes to the parents...to both of them--together--to be able to share this special day with one another.  That I will never have.  Yes, Ed and I shared a lot of special days together.  But Ed won't be here if/when Dan ever marries and/or has children.  Of course, this saddens me.  It also causes me to turn my attention to my mother.  One of my sisters married months after my father passed.  How my mother ever got through that time period or that day, I'll never know.  Here I am having trouble and it's not my own family.  Worse yet, though, none of us knew what she was going through at that time.  She continued to protect her children and I'm sure didn't want to ruin the day for the rest of us.  But regardless, what I've since learned, is that we would not have understood anyhow.  You cannot understand the depth of grief when losing your spouse until you've experienced it.  But, today, unfortunately, I now understand and I'm sorry that she had to get through that day by herself.

I was never an envious person.  I was happy with what I had and was happy for others for what they had.  But I am envious of these parents who, together, are sharing and celebrating this special day with their child.  And today I will miss Ed as I am surrounded by couples who will be attending the wedding.  It seems to me that there are couples everywhere and our society showcases them.  Commercials on TV show couples or families with children.  The Gazette recently had pictures showcasing the Quabbin--there was one picture of the tower and one of fishing--the rest were of couples enjoying time together at the Quabbin.  Damn them!

Now don't get me wrong.  I am happy for these newlyweds for they have found each other and I hope they share the type of love that Ed and I had.  And I know I was blessed to find this true love of my life and that we loved so deeply.  Some people never find this.  There are plenty of people who never marry or whose marriages end in divorce.  But I was blessed to have found true, deep love that is eternal.  And I wish this for these newlyweds and so that does make me happy for them.  But I can still be sad for me.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Happy Birthday Ed

Today would have been Ed's 61st birthday.  Would have been...  But he will forever be 60, never turning another year older.

I remember being so leery of last year's birthday.  My father passed when he was 60 and I hoped and prayed, after Ed was diagnosed with cancer, that he would make it to at least 60.  I always thought my father died young and I wanted Ed to make it to at least my father's age.  And when Ed turned 60 last year, I sighed with a bit of relief.  And I was so thankful.

So thankful that I forgot to pray that he make it to 61. How short sighted of me.

I've been doing "okay" lately...  I never say "good" because I'm not good.  I'm learning to cope and balance work and home and figuring out how to keep up with everything that I now need to do by myself.  And I'm adjusting to living alone.

Except just when I think I'm doing okay, it hits me like a ton of bricks--I'm alone.  And Ed's not here.  And I have such a hard time grasping the fact that he is actually gone.  That this person who so defined who I was for over half of my life is no longer here.  That person who was always here and always in my life is just gone.  And there's nothing I can do to bring him back to me.  That his life lives on in pictures, in my heart, and in my memories.  And that's it.

He took such great care of me for over 30 years.  He provided me with a home that is filled with many, many years of memories.  And he has left me the tools (figuratively and literally) to take care of things without him.  And now I must stand on my own.  And I know he's equipped me well but it doesn't mean I have to like it.  I never wanted to live without him.  I married him for life and thought we would grow old together.

Instead, I turned a year older this year and he did not.  We are no longer 10 years apart in age...  And I know in another 10 years, I will end up being older than him.  And that breaks my heart.

Happy Birthday Ed!  I love you forever and ever.  Til we meet again...

Saturday, October 5, 2013

An Uncertain Future

I miss my husband.  But you're not surprised by this.

Each day I go about my business.  Going to work, coming home, getting things done.  And I realize I'm adjusting to the emptiness in the house and that I "live alone".  And when I stop and remind myself, it scares me.  That somehow Ed is not here and has not been here for over 5 months.  And my life is going on and I'm navigating this new world that is so foreign to me.

Someone told me yesterday that they are proud of how I'm trying to make adjustments and figure this all out and that comment made me feel empty and uncertain.  I know they meant it as a compliment and I appreciate the intent.  But I am saddened to realize what I'm doing each day is indeed trying to figure out who I am and what my life is supposed to be...without Ed.

Part of that scares me.  I have never been alone.  It also bothers me that I am living each day and adjusting.  The quiet in the house is less uncomfortable.  Eating dinner alone, is now more routine.  I know from your perspective these adjustments are good.  But internally, I know it means I'm adjusting to living without Ed and it breaks my heart.  I know I have no other choice and I get it now--this is life.

People die and those of us left behind are supposed to just carry on.  It happens every day to many, many people.  And I look at pictures of Ed and that is all that remains...the pictures and the memories.  And there are things I don't remember and I'm afraid of when I'll forget things about Ed.  The memory of his touch, his kiss, his voice...these are already fading.  And that scares me.

I am thankful that I do have a lot of pictures.  We were a family that had cameras at every event and took pictures of everything.  And even though Ed hated having his picture taken, I do have a lot of him so I know I need to appreciate that fact.

Ed also had a memory where he could recall the smallest of details.  There wasn't anything he forgot.  I was doing laundry last night and there is a wall between the laundry room and Ed's workshop and I'm quite sure Ed put up that wall after we bought the house.  But I honestly don't remember and the only person who would remember would be Ed.  There are no pictures and Dan was not born yet (or he was very young).  And the fact that I can't answer this stupid question in my head, even though it really doesn't matter, bothers me and I wonder, and fear, what else I won't remember tomorrow, 5 years from now, 10 years from now, 20 years...

I sit here today and say "I wish I videotaped Ed" and "I wish I had him tell me everything he remembers from his childhood, from our life, from his time at the golf course, so I could write it all down" because right now I'm trying to put my life in order and his as well and it's the practical thing to do.  But I had time with Ed before he passed and we had over 3 years since he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and we never did that.  I did have the time and I realize we didn't focus on him dying but rather living life.  And I don't have regrets about how we spent our time.  Would I have done a bit more to "prepare"....yes.  But what I do know and what I have learned is that no one, absolutely no one, can prepare you for losing your spouse and best friend.  No one can explain the grief and the emotions and the stages you move through.

The grief of Ed's passing is less and I cry less due to the pain of him being gone.  However, the tears now come because it scares me that I am learning to adjust to being alone and I am beginning this new journey of just "Jeanne", not "Ed&Jeanne".  The future doesn't excite me with unknown opportunities, but rather scares me with just unknowns that I must face without my best friend and partner. I don't want to adjust and try to define my life and who I am, but I guess I have no choice...

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Celebrating My Birthday

My first birthday without Ed...
My first birthday alone...
Ever...
It was a day of mixed feelings.

I know celebrating a weekday birthday is different just because there's work and the usual routine surrounded that.  So on Sunday I had family over for a potluck brunch.  No, I did not throw myself my own birthday party.  But last year, Ed and Dan played golf on my birthday (which I encouraged them to do) and I got a day all to myself and I was so excited.  I ordered Chinese food and watched a chick flick and the guys brought home dessert after they played golf.  It was a great day!

Last night after work, I picked up Chinese food for dinner and spent the evening alone.  It was not very exciting.  Funny (and sad) how different the feeling is when you choose this option versus it being forced upon you.

All-in-all, it was a good birthday.  I received some nice greetings and gifts from family and friends which were totally unexpected and greetings and cards from folks at work as well.  And flowers were delivered to me at work--something Ed always did for me and something I knew I would miss this year.  I know I was totally spoiled by Ed--every birthday, anniversary, and valentine's day he sent me flowers.

Of course, as those of you on Facebook already know, I got a surprise in the morning--a small herd of cows in my front lawn!  That at least made me laugh in the morning.  Dan had just setup my fall display with hay bales and cornstalks on Saturday and I had put out straw Sunday night where I am trying to grow new grass.  And don't you know the next morning, here come cows (from who knows where) eating my hay and cornstalks, trying to take the pumpkins off my front steps, and drinking out of my birdbath!  You can't do anything but laugh!  Something that has never happened before in all the years we lived here!  We've had horses show up and all kinds of wildlife, but never a small herd of cows!  So that is how I started my day!

Two cows eating my straw.

The other 8 cows enjoying my lawn and fall display.

The Chinese food I picked up for dinner was not as enjoyable as it used to be.  Maybe next year I'll try something new.  But as much as I appreciated all the birthday wishes that people sent to me--the Facebook messages, the text messages, the voice mails and cards...I can't help but miss Ed and how special he made me feel.  And no matter what we did on the day itself, we always started and ended my birthday together.

For the first 17 years of my life, I shared my birthday with my family.  My 18th birthday I spent in college and my dorm mates threw a party for me.  My 19th birthday was at home with my parents and family.  And every birthday since my 20th, I have spent with Ed.  That's 18 birthdays with my family, 1 with college friends, and 32 birthdays with Ed.  Never one did I spend alone...until now.  And I know many, many people spend their birthdays alone and I'm not one to pity myself.  Instead, I know I am now responsible for my happiness--not Ed and not anyone else.  So the brunch on Sunday was my start.  I'm learning...

And, yes, I realize I am not technically "alone".  I am surrounded by many friends and family who made my weekend and the day itself special.  And as much as I appreciate all of you, it doesn't help me miss Ed any less.  But the tears were only for short periods of time and it was as good a day as it could be.  Which I am thankful for as well.

Ed's birthday is in 2 weeks...  We always enjoyed doing something special together to celebrate our birthdays--the benefit of them both being so close together.  Dan will be home again and so we'll plan something fun for the two of us to do.  And I know how lucky I am to have Dan in my life.  There is no question that he is the best gift Ed ever gave me!  And that makes me smile...


My Story

Lately I find myself moving through the days, being with others, laughing, and living life. Days pass quickly and grief, sadness, and feelin...