Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Grief is Back from Vacation

Yes, I'm still here.  I'm sorry I haven't written but I was away on vacation.  I had intentions of trying to write while away, but that (obviously) didn't happen.

So how was vacation?  It had it's good moments, it had it's sad moments.  I found myself several times acknowledging how alone I felt even though I was surrounded by so many people.  I missed Ed terribly.  He wasn't there to come sit on the beach with me or bring me lunch as he always did.  He wasn't there in the evenings as we all gathered together for dinner and enjoy each other's company.  And he wasn't there as I went into the room that was supposed to be ours and I closed the door and went to bed.

I missed our walks on the beach. Ed used to always walk too slow for me.  He would search along the shore for shells, pretty rocks, sea glass, or whatever treasure he might come across.  I walked for exercise so I usually needed to tell myself to be patience and enjoy our "stroll" together.  What I wouldn't give to be able to stroll along the beach with Ed again.  Ed also wasn't one who liked to sit on the beach all day.  He would spend time at the cottage watching people or watching the Little League World Series or cooking something up for all of us to enjoy.  But he would always come over to the beach around lunchtime to spend a couple hours with me.

As I look back, I know last year he spent less time coming to the beach. He was tired.  But I went and how I wish I just stayed with him--if I knew it would be our last summer at the beach together.  But I also know it would not have been what he wanted.  He liked his quiet time at the cottage and he knew how much I enjoyed sitting on the beach.

Yes, the beach and the ocean are beautiful and I can usually just sit and watch the waves and the people for hours.  But there was less joy this year; there was less peace.  Seeing other couples sharing the time together was the worse.  But I enjoyed the time away from work and responsibilities at home and the company of family and friends and would have to save there were definitely more good times than bad.

What I am most surprised at is how difficult it has been since I've gotten home.  I was so worried about how I would do on vacation and I think that explains my mood pre-vacation.  But I have been a mess of emotions post-vacation. At the most unexpected times, grief was tapping me on the shoulder once again.  As I unpack and Ed is not there to help as he has always been.  Or when I turn on the TV and see Little League World Series or NFL--both of which Ed loved and watched every year.  Or even at this moment.  The post-vacation transition has been difficult and I don't understand why and the tears come often and unexpectedly.

I've been trying to read books about grief to better understand and manage my feelings.  But they seem to just conjure up more tears, so maybe I should set them aside and stop trying to understand and grasp what I'm going through?  I don't know what it is.  I have plenty of "tasks" to keep me busy, but I'm less focused and am having a hard time getting things done.

There is no question that I miss Ed.  I miss what we no longer have and I miss what we will never have.  But it's post-vacation and I must get up every day and I must go to work.  And this week I've got things on the calendar which is keeping me extra busy, so maybe that is what is adding to my stress and emotions?  I don't know.  But I'm doing it and I'll continue to try to put one foot in front of the other.  Because what other choice do I really have?

I will write again soon.  I do have some stories to share from vacation.  There were some nice moments and I want to capture them.  Because although at this moment I feel grief has consumed me again, it will be good for my soul to recognize and acknowledge these "good" moments as well.

Grief just continues to surprise me...


Thursday, August 15, 2013

Learning

I know it's been several days since I last posted.  I went to Misquamicut last weekend which I had some apprehension about.  Misquamicut is where we went for vacation--me, Ed, Dan, my family.  So I wasn't quite sure how it would be without Ed next to my side; without Ed driving the 2 hrs down and back.  The drive down was not an issue because my niece was with me.  She chatted the entire time which I was grateful for so the time passed quickly.

We were at a new cottage so there were no memories conjured up being at a place I've shared with Ed.  But on the other hand, I was sad because Ed was not there to see the new cottage.  On a side note, one thing I've learned with grief is that you can't win...there's sadness no matter how you look at a situation.  Somehow with grief you always can easily find it.  The glass is half-full; the glass is half-empty...one of them will made me sad depending on the moment.

Anyhow, my mother had picked out a room for me and Ed--one that she felt was perfect for Ed and she asked me if I still wanted it.  Of course, I did.  And she's right...he would have liked the cottage and the room she selected.

The beach itself was peaceful and Dan was able to join us which made it even nicer.  As I watched the people on the beach, though, I was drawn to noticing the number of families and couples.  It is a family beach so what else would I expect?  But at some level, I felt alone.

I drove back alone--at least in my car.  My sister and her friend were driving back at the same time in another vehicle so they accompanied me the entire time which made the drive back go quickly and I felt less alone.

My emotions are a mess this week though and, once again, I have spontaneous moments when the grief envelopes me and I sit and cry.  Why this week is any worse than the previous week, I'm not sure.  There's a lot of things I'm trying to get done and so maybe it is the unseen stress?  Or maybe it's because, even though I thought I had a good weekend at the beach, it did stir up memories and feelings that are now fighting to get out?  I'm not sure.  What I do know though is that I can't control it and any kind of smile this week is forced.

Who knows what next week will bring, but all I can do is take it one day at a time and try to live each day at a time and feel what I'm feeling and recognize it and respond accordingly.  For someone who likes to be in control, this is definitely not easy for me.  But I'm learning...

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Good Riddance, Not...

Today marks 5 months since my brother Michael passed and we finally got the results from the medical examiner this week...Acute Myocvhardial Infarction and Occlusion of the Right Coronary Artery. Yes, basically a heart attack.  At age 51 with no symptoms.  It's good to finally know, to put closure on it.  But it doesn't change anything and it doesn't bring any relief.  He is still gone.  Another life cut too short.  Another man in my family who has passed all too soon.  I just find comfort that it appears he did not suffer or struggle, but passed quickly.  And knowing he was happy and laughing and so "he died happy" should be a good thing, right?  I guess.  But what I find is that there are more "good, happy" people who tend to pass too early than the miserable, mean people where we would simply say "good riddance".

Does it seem this way because we only grieve the loss of those we love?  But even the bad must have someone who grieves their loss, right?  Does God need more of the "good" people to populate his kingdom?  That he needs them more than we do?  I can't really buy that because I would like to think He needs more good people here on Earth to keep love alive.  But what I've also learned is that grief intensifies our love for one another.  For some, it's a reminder to cherish your loved ones.  For others, it's showing your love and support for those who have lost and brings us closer.  So with grief I'd like to think love grows a bit more to help fill that void left behind.

So this is where fairness comes in.  Because it's not fair that my father, my brother, my husband, and two of my brothers-in-law were all taken way too soon.  And it's not fair that I never knew my grandfathers and that Dan never knew his grandfathers.  And now Dan's children will never know their paternal grandfather.  What's up with that??  Why are all the men in my life being taken away?

A woman I know commented this week how if she had passed instead of her husband, her husband would have handled it much better than she is currently handling it.  I thought about this for a while and wondered how Ed would have handled it if I passed before him.  I couldn't come up with an answer.  On one hand, I would just expect he would be okay because whatever I contributed to the household, he could surely take care of himself easily.  That part I could rationalize.  But what I could not fathom or grasp is how he would handle the grief.  And I find it odd that even as I'm in the middle of this journey through grief, my thoughts turn first to the practical things, not the emotional, daily living of losing of a loved one.

I'm sure he would carry on, just like I need to, because what other choice do we have.  But I also know he would have kept his emotions inside and to himself and that would not have been good.  For I was his outlet and who he shared his feelings with.  Would he have shared them with Dan--possibly.  Or he would have kept them bottled up and tried to keep the emotions and grief locked inside where hopefully others wouldn't see it.  He certainly wouldn't be writing a blog or going to support groups or sharing his feelings with family members. This much I know.  So although Ed was the stronger one in our living; I may be the stronger one in our grieving.




Wednesday, August 7, 2013

I Was Spoiled

Yes, I'm still here.  It has been several days since I last posted and I thought it was time to let you know I'm still here, moving through what is defined as my new life.  I continue to keep myself busy between work and taking care of everything around the house.  I took a day off from work so that I could get everything done that I felt I needed to.  I recognize that when I'm feeling overwhelmed by all that needs to be done, this is what I need to do so that I feel more on top of things, more in control.

I did a thorough cleaning of the house this past weekend.  Since March I've done what I call spot cleaning--dusting here, vacuuming there, etc.  So it felt good to do a thorough cleaning of every room--top to bottom.  I then worked in the yard--mowing, hand trimming and weed whacking and the yard looked good when I was done.

But what I felt afterwards was a sadness and loneliness.  Because as much as I was pleased with how clean the interior of the house was and how nice the exterior of the house looked, there was no one to share it with.  No one to see and appreciate the fruits of my labor.  No one to say "you did good".  And at these moments it makes me wonder what it's all for.  I know that I need to simply feel proud of myself and to tell myself "you did good".

And I know, if I'm realistic, that I can feel proud that I get up each morning, that I'm figuring things out, that I'm accomplishing tasks that were tasks Ed and I used to share or that Ed did himself.  And I know he would be proud of me and I like to think he is looking down and smiling that I am stepping up.  I never really realized how lucky and pampered I was though.  I always knew Ed took good care of me.  He frequently bought me clothes or gifts or flowers or treats...something I liked just because.  I now realize also how much he actually did around the house without me even realizing it.  I mean, I know he cooked and did laundry and I always knew how lucky and spoiled I was in that way.  But all the "other" things he took care of around the house, with the vehicles, with our home in general.  He just did it without me even realizing it or recognizing it.  And there were days, I'm sad to say, when I focused more on what he wasn't doing instead of appreciating what he was doing.  But we had such a great partnership.  And it wasn't 50/50...it was more 60/40 and Ed carried the 60% (at least).  And I took that for granted.

So don't take your partner for granted.  Recognize and appreciate all they do--even the little things that you may find annoying at times.  Because I would trade the world to have Ed back, just the way he was--with his opinions, his habits, his procrastination--all those little things that can be annoying after so many years together.  And I know he put up a lot with me as well (hard to believe, I know).  But it was all worth it because we loved each other unconditionally.

We were partners, we were best friends, we were one.  And now that he is gone, I realize I am not whole.  I'm learning to figure out how to rebuild the missing parts of me.  I will never be 100%--there will always be a part of me that is reserved for the love and memory of Ed.  That part of me is already reserved and protected.  And so now I learn to rebuild the remaining portion of my life, of me.  One day at a time, one task at a time, one accomplishment at a time.

Friday, August 2, 2013

Capturing Moments

There are moments of brightness that I feel I need to capture so I know that they are there...scattered in between the grief.  For I know when grief overwhelms me I can't see through the darkness or that there is even any brightness to behold.

Since Ed's passing, people have been telling me I will be happy again.  That's an odd thing...and the word "happy" can seem hopeful, but it is also scary at the same time.  Right now, do I define myself as "happy"--absolutely not.  And at some level, I fear being happy because would that mean that Ed, and the loss of him, is moving into the recesses of my mind.  Are there good and happy moments?  Yes, there are beginning to be and, even more surprising, is that I am beginning to be able to recognize them.  So that is the purpose of today's post.

Two things happened today that truly made me smile and warm my heart (it's difficult for me to use the word "happy").

First, the folks at Pine Grove are moving the date of the King of the Grove so I can attend.  Without going into all the details of what this is, let me just tell you that there was a conflict I couldn't resolve to be at this annual event that meant so much to Ed.  And they moved it so I could be there.  Pine Grove and his friends there were such an important part of Ed's life and this event was special to Ed.  And now Dan and I can both be there and I am so touched and, yes, so happy that they made this work for me.

Second, my sister-in-law sent me an email regarding a friend of hers who is riding in the Pan-Mass challenge in memory of his wife, who he lost to cancer, and in memory of Larry and Ed.  Again, I am so touched by the thoughtfulness of people and this also made me smile today.

These are just two examples from today.  But throughout the week, there have been small things that have made me smile.  And so I will appreciate these as well:
  • The bunnies who continues to come into the yard every morning and evening to greet me.  And they are so comfortable that they stretch out and lounge in the driveway.
  • The five (yes, five) hummingbirds who decided to show up at my feeder.  The feeder has been out there for a couple months and just earlier this week I was remembering how Ed, Dan and I would sit outside on the deck, eating dinner or just hanging out and watching the birds and how I missed that.  There was no one to sit on the back deck with and there were no birds.  And it made me miss this special time we shared together.  And then the 5 Hummingbirds show up yesterday.
  • Zumba--yes, I'm actually enjoying going to Zumba and I miss it the days I don't go.  I "enjoy" it (and "enjoy" can be considered a "happy" word).  Who would have thought?!
These are just a few things this week.  But I also have to say I appreciate those of you who come to this blog, as boring as it is, and also take the time to "like" my post.  Some days I wonder if there is anyone out there and who am I writing to?  I know at some level I'm writing to myself, for my own mental health, and to keep a record of this journey I'm on.  Because I know someday, the memories will fade but I will have this blog to help me remember.





My Story

Lately I find myself moving through the days, being with others, laughing, and living life. Days pass quickly and grief, sadness, and feelin...