Saturday, June 29, 2013

Physical Work is Good

What a busy day!  I had a hair appointment first thing this morning and then I went to the cemetery to put a shepherd's hook above Ed's grave (so I could hang the pot of flowers I had on the ground).  Next was to the hardware store (more poison ivy killer) and then the bank.

My primary task for today was to power wash the back deck.  I had an smaller, electric power washer that I had bought but last year Ed bought a bigger one that runs on gas.  I only used it once or twice last year so I was proud of myself when I found the manual, reviewed how to run the darn thing, and then not only got the deck done, but also the the siding on the porch and one side of the garage (yes, just one side for now).

Next up I took an axe to an old tree stump.  That felt good.  One stump is gone (I was able to pull it out and then dug some dirt in the back to fill the hole).  The other stump is not totally gone, but I chopped it down lower.  I'll give it some time to rot on it's own and then I'll swing my axe again!

I then decided to try to figure out the gas-powered trimmer.  I thanked Ed that he had a can of gas/oil mix and that he labeled it so I knew what it was.  The instructions for the trimmer were on it so I again was quite proud when the it started.  Now I wasn't very elegant using it.  I'm still not sure of the best way to angle it, but I did all the trim.  Maybe next time I'll be more efficient.  I also thanked Ed that he bought a "featherlite" since that made it more manageable for me as well.

I then decided to mow the lawn.  The weed whacking tired me out so I figured sitting on the tractor and mowing was a way to rest!  I got all the mowing done including the trimming with the hand mower.  I then cleaned the mower deck on the tractor.  What a mess that was!  I don't think Ed ever cleaned it.  Of course, when I was done, I laughed because if Ed was here, he probably would have just removed the deck from the mower and that would have made it much easier to clean.  Oh well.  Got to give him something to laugh about!

Somewhere in there I also weeded one of the flower beds, started Ed's truck, swept the garage, and cleaned the bathroom.  The best thing is just as I got done putting everything away, the rain came!  Perfect timing!!

But, boy, am I pooped!  And I'm sure tomorrow I'm going to be sore.  But I have to say being physically busy is a good thing.  I did miss Ed though when I'm doing this work because most of it are things he would have done.  I wonder why I never helped him before?  It probably would have made his job easier.  And I wonder what I did with all my time?  I probably spent more time cleaning the house or doing laundry or going shopping.  But I also know we just spent time together.

Taking care of a house is a lot of work.  I hope Ed is proud of what I am doing and proud that I stepped up and took on this work that he has done forever.  I know I'm proud of what I'm accomplishing.  I would just rather that Ed was here instead...

The garden is growing.

Grass out front is filling in.

Glad I have a riding mower to do the front...
 
...and the side...
 
...and the back!
 
I hope this would make Ed smile...our home.
(Of course, he would have a lot more flowers around the house.  Maybe next year.)

Friday, June 28, 2013

Being Grateful

Good morning world!  Yes, I'm posting again.  What can I say...I guess I miss you all too much!

Last night my mother and I got together at her house and had dinner together.  Nothing fancy in terms of dinner (neither of us are very picky), but just simple time for us to spend together and just chat for a bit.  We sat on her deck, looked out over her gardens, and just talked about whatever topic happened to come up.

Unfortunately, we now have the special bond of both of us losing a spouse but also of recently losing a loved one and finding ourselves alone.  So it's good that we can share and we understand and that we can fill some of the emptiest with each other.  I regret that I didn't fully understand the grief and emptiness she felt when my father passed and she was alone.  But I've learned that you don't fully understand until you've experienced it yourself.  And instead of living with regrets, we instead do what we can today to support each other.  For that I'm both grateful while also being a bit angry that life has dealt us these cards.  Regardless, though, it was a nice evening and we'll plan to do it again.

The cooler evening was a nice relief and I opened the windows wide and the cool breeze made for a peaceful night of sleep.  Funny that I still wake up an hour after going to bed.  I am grateful that I am able to sleep as well as I used to.  Well, maybe not as sound during the night.  But I am able to fall asleep relatively easily and get a good night's sleep.  In the past, I never woke up during the night.  Ed used to get up several times during the night and I never stirred at all.  Now I awake when I hear the animals outside or the breeze knocks something off the window sill.  But I am able to fall back asleep and I'm grateful for that.  I am one who always loved my sleep and if Ed or Dan tried to wake me up after falling asleep (even if it was while laying on the couch), they wouldn't be greeted with a very happy person.  When Dan went off to college, I did experience some insomnia and it's awful so I know to be grateful for the ease in which I can fall asleep and for the good night's sleep that I do get.

This week I have also begun to walk outside in the morning again.  This used to be my daily routine for many years--either walking a couple miles outside or hitting the treadmill inside.  But I have found that returning to old routines has been difficult.  So not only does the exercise feel good, but it feels good that I can get back to this without being overwhelmed by sadness.  Little by little....step-by-step...

It's Friday and I'm looking forward to the weekend...not for anything in particular, but just because I have my list of projects to do around the house.  Because just as I feel a sense of gratification in completing tasks as work, I have that same feeling as I cross things off my list at home as well.

May you all enjoy your weekend and may you find small things in your life to be grateful for.  Happy Friday!!




Thursday, June 27, 2013

Learning to Adjust

I'm learning to adjust living this life I'm currently living.  Not in big, comfortable ways, but in small ways that enable me to keep moving through each day and figure out how to live this new life that has been thrust upon me.

As I've said before, work provides the familiarity that I've known for years.  Of course, I miss coming home and sharing all about my day with Ed.  After so many years of working at the same place, he came to know the people and the work I did and he was always a good sounding board.  My work was important to him.  He was proud of the work I did and my success and always supported me through just listening, providing encouraging words, or just giving me a swift kick in the butt!

I've learning to adjust how I use my time at home.  I have a couple hours at home after work before I sit down to relax for the day.  I find making myself a list helps me chip away at getting small things done.  I'm used to lists--but usually for the weekend.  During the week, Ed took care of whatever needed to happen while I focused on work.  But now I need to be sure to throw that load of laundry in or dump the wastebaskets or whatever it might be.  I save the bigger jobs for the weekend, but I feel more productive if I jot down the small things that need to be done during the week and then am able to accomplish them.  Accomplishing, even small things, is good.

The yard is in better shape so I don't stress over that.  Instead, I walk around in the evening, water the plants, and feel less stress about all the things that need to be done.  My current annoyance are the carpenter bees that are doing quite a job on an outside board on the porch.  My research tells me carpenter bees are harmful to people.  But because the board is up high, I can't "fix" this problem myself.  So every evening when I see the sawdust on the deck and I look up and see the darn holes they are making, it annoys the heck out of me.  I mean, you really don't want to be reading about me up on a ladder spraying dozens of carpenter bee holes.  Somehow I can't see the outcome of that story ending well.  Me and ladders are not necessarily a good idea.  So if anyone out there wants to come take care of getting rid of those darn carpenter bees for me, let me know.  It's my current annoyance.

Overall, though...I keep just moving.  Of course, I still miss Ed terribly and when the fluorescent lights in the laundry room don't want to turn on, I ask him to make it happen and they turn on.  Is that Ed?  Probably not.  But it's his fault that stupid lights don't work, so I can complain to him and someday I'll get those fixed.  And when I open the cupboard and see the polenta that we bought because we saw it on TV on a cooking show and wanted to try it, I wonder if I'll ever cook that polenta.  Probably not.  So I close the cupboard door or I shut off the laundry room lights and move on.  One step at a time.  One day at a time.  Just learning to adjust moment-by-moment.

 

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

A "Good" Day

I know I said I wasn't going to post daily, but yesterday is what I would label a "good" day and so I thought how nice if I shared something positive for a change!  Of course I hesitate to use the term "good".  Was it really a "good" day?  Let me put it this way, it was one of my better days.

And the reality was that it was for no particular reason.  There was nothing special about yesterday--no special occasion, no special event.  Just a typical workday.  And work has been good.  I don't feel like my brain is functioning at 50% any longer.  I'm moving through things and accomplishing tasks.  Sure, there's a lot I still need to do--it's still busy.  But at the end of the day, I feel good and proud of what I'm able to accomplish.  I'm actually working through my "to do" list and crossing things off.

I saw Cheryl at Target and it was good to see a friendly face and get a hug.  When she asked me how I was doing, I was able to respond without choking up and tearing up for a change.  And I smiled as we parted ways because I only know Cheryl through Ed being friends with Joe and how lucky am I that Ed's friends are still here for me and they have now become my friends.  That I wouldn't otherwise know these people if it wasn't for Ed.

I was happy that I got home before the rain and I opened all the windows and let the breeze cool off the house.  And there was a bunny outside the kitchen window.  They are so darn cute.  And this morning there are two bunnies in the front yard.  It's amazing how much pleasure I get from seeing them.  I think because they are so cute and playful and because I know Ed liked watching them too.

Sunday night I awoke to some awful howling and screeching noises outside.  There was clearly one animal attacking another and I feared that the weaker of the two was one of my bunnies.  So to see them last night and this morning, makes me smile that they are still here and okay.

In other news, on Sunday an old friend of Ed's came to visit again...



The groundhog!  For years we had a groundhog under our shed.  And he would eat our garden and flowers and it would drive Ed crazy.  Ed did many things to get rid of that groundhog (which I won't mention on a public blog), but each year, the groundhog was back!  Last year when we redid our shed, Ed raised the flooring to discourage groundhogs from burrowing underneath.  Ed would be very annoyed to know the groundhog is back.  However, when he leaves the backyard it appears he is going down into the woods versus under the shed, so hopefully that means he found another home.  But I can't see that darn groundhog without laughing a little and, of course, thinking of Ed.  And also being thankful that we put a fence around the garden!

So for a change I started the week on a positive note.  Who knows if it will continue, but I'll take it and recognize it and share it with you all.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Not Posting Daily

You may have noticed that I did not write a blog entry yesterday and that's okay.  I realize I need to move away from daily entries.  They were helpful when I wanted to give you all a daily update on how Ed was doing.  Then, after he passed, it was a way to let you all know how I was doing.  What I realize now is that I sometimes over analyze my thoughts and feelings to enable me to write an entry.  Some days, like yesterday, just are.  There is no extreme happiness, there is no extreme sadness.  Just what I call a normal day where I might smile, I might cry, I might be lonely, or I might be enjoying a moment.  And that's okay.  It's my new normal.  And so I won't write daily but rather when I have something to share.  Maybe it's every other day, maybe it's once a week...I'm not sure yet.  But what I know is that I will still post at least while it feels okay to do so.  And with that....

The weekend went very quickly.  I went to visit Dan on Saturday.  I brought his bike out to him and I was hoping we'd go for a bike ride, but that didn't happen.  It was okay that we didn't go though.  We didn't do anything special...just spent time together.  I haven't been out to his apartment since February.  He is finally settling in and it's a nice place.  I missed Ed on the drive out and back since we would usually make trips like this together.  It wasn't like we talked a lot during our 2 hour drives, but rather we were just together.  As I was driving down the Pike I was reminded of the many times Ed would spot something on the side of the road and say "Did you see that?" and by the time I got enough information to know "that" was, we were well beyond that spot.  Dan and I always teased him about this habit.

Sunday was church, errands, and then working in the yard until I couldn't stand the heat anymore.  I got the final flower bed weeded but decided it was too hot to do any transplanting.

Saturday night and Sunday had many sad moments and I don't know why.  And they come for no apparent reason and triggered by nothing in particular.  They just are.  And I hate this sadness because I've never been this unhappy in my entire life.  I know I should appreciate that fact because I know, if I allow myself to admit it, I've been blessed.  It's just hard to feel blessed right now.  I don't like this life that has suddenly been turned upside down.  It's foreign to me and I know I over think everything and that doesn't help.  I think about what was and what I've lost; then I think about the future and I'm afraid facing it alone.  For with Ed, I was never alone.  Even when we were physically apart, we were always together.

Yesterday when I was in the store picking up a few things, I happened upon these wall decals and I spotted one with a saying that I was always looking for.  It was one I wanted for our bedroom or upstairs hallway and never could find it in the perfect style.  It could have been a wall hanging, could have been decal, it was just something Ed and I kept our eyes open for.  And the one I found yesterday would have been perfect.  But I didn't buy it because it has less meaning now.  The saying..."Always Kiss Me Goodnight".  And Ed always did.  And now, instead, I simply say goodnight to him and tell him how much I love him and miss him.

And now the workweek can begin and distract me from my thoughts...

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Two Months

What else could I possibly write about?  Today marks 2 months since Ed passed.  I remember when I was counting days and then weeks...just like when you track the age and progress of your newborn baby.  They're hours old, days old, weeks old, then years old.  And at some point, when someone asks you how old they are, you need to stop and think for a moment.

I had teary moments yesterday.  Again, for no apparent reason and I think it had to do with the fact that I was approaching another milestone--two months.  As I look back on the week, I know Monday evening was an extremely low point, but I made it through the rest of the week without ending up in a ball of tears.  I still have sad moments where I get that ache in my throat and chest and my eyes begin to tear up.  But I haven't had any more "basket-case" moments this week.

I still miss Ed terribly but as I drive home from work past Amherst College and I see groups of friends laughing together, I realize they don't have a spouse and they are happy.  Or the single, young woman who I wonder if she's still looking for the love of her life, hasn't found it, and she seems happy.  But I also realize that they may be happy because they have not yet experienced the grief of losing a loved one.  How lucky for them.

But hundreds and thousands of us deal with the loss of a loved one every day.  And you can't tell who that person is as you pass them on the street.  Grief touches everyone at some point.  And I remind myself, once again, that it is definitely better to have loved and loss than never to have loved at all.

And how lucky am I that I had the love of my life for over 30 years.  That the joy and happiness shared with the love of that special someone did not allude me.  Because not everyone finds that someone special to share their lives with.  It doesn't mean they are any less happy.  It just means that I was lucky.  I first met Ed when I was 17 (at Misquamicut beach through my mother no less, but that's a story for another time).  We've been together since I was 19.  How lucky I was that our paths crossed, at the right time, and that we had over 30 years together.

As I write today's blog I realize and recognize that I'm able to focus on the positive and not all the pain and grief of losing Ed.  I'm not ready to say the glass is half-full yet, but I also am not saying it is half-empty.  Rather, it's just filled halfway...


I got my anniversary band back last night!  All fixed and shiny and beautiful!
Just like the day Ed gave it to me 5 years ago.

Friday, June 21, 2013

I Just Am

Nothing....that's what I'm feeling this morning as I sit down and try to write.  The last two nights I came home from work and mowed the lawn.  I finished it last night and I'm proud of myself for taking care of that and doing some laundry at the same time (woo hoo--two things at once--I'm superwoman!).  It is a lot of work to take care of the house by myself.

I think back to when we bought our house.  There were a lot of trees around our house at that time. That was one thing Ed was looking for--feeling like we were in the woods.  But then there was no lawn and the house was cold because the trees blocked the sun.  So over time we spent money having the trees removed.  Ed and I frequently laughed about that--we would have saved ourselves money if we just bought a house that wasn't in the woods!  But Ed worked hard to plant grass and create lawns and that's what we now have.  And as I put away the mower last night, I laugh because if I didn't have all these lawns, it wouldn't take so long to mow.  But then I'm thankful because I love our yard without all the trees and I'm thankful that Ed took care of creating this and leaving me with this yard.  And, he left me with a riding mower too!  For that I'm thankful!

Of course I also get frustrated with trying to figure out why there are brown spots in the yard and then there's that poison ivy that is spreading in the back.  But these are all things that end up on my "to do" list.  Something else to take care of.  But I guess that's a good thing.  It keeps me busy.  But then there are days when I feel overwhelmed by it all.  Will I ever be caught up?

So, yes, on one hand, the busy-ness is good. On the other, I find it overwhelming.  And even I wonder, can't you just be happy with one or the other.  But I can't find that balance.  Not yet at least.  And so I just continue to ride this roller coaster of emotions.  I can't predict how I will feel each day.  I wake up and some days I smile at the sunshine and other days....I just 'am'.  That happens to be today.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

This Process

I know some of you are wondering how can I go from such grief to trying to find simple joy.  That is what this grieving process is.  You can’t explain it.  You can’t fix it.  It just is.  That I can go from such sadness that I don’t think I can go on; to wanting to watch the bunnies.  And it happens day-to-day.  And, when I’m lucky, I may have two days in a row of simple joys.  It is a process and there is no right or wrong way to feel.  And no one can tell you you should be happy or you should be grateful.  It is how you feel and you can’t just change your feelings like you change your clothes.
You feel.  You grieve.  You exist. 

You try to find the balance that feels right.  It may be filling your calendar with places to go and people to see--to keep yourself busy.  Or it may be not filling your calendar so that you can have time alone.  There is no right and there is no wrong.  It's what feels right at the moment.

So I don't deny my feelings and I don't apologize for them.  I've been writing this blog every day since Ed went into the hospital and to sugar coat things would not be honest.  Days are not all sunshine and laughter.  But I move on and I move through each day.  Some are harder than others.  But some get easier.

I try to find simple joys.  I am accomplishing tasks at work and that gives me pleasure.  Work is an amazing distraction.  I can dig in and focus my brain and show progress and have successes.  I'm starting to feel on top of things again.  But I say that in a whispered voice because every time I've started to feel this way over the past couple months, the other shoe would drop and throw my life into turmoil again.  Please, God, let my forward progress continue.

I dreamt about Ed last night.  It was a bizarre dream and I don't remember all the details, but I felt his touch and he was there and when I awoke, I remembered.  So this is a good way to start my day.  And once again the sun is shining and I enjoy how nice my front lawn looks after mowing last night (although the bunnies can no longer hide in the clover).  And as I've done the last two days, I will take a walk outside this morning and just breath in the cool, morning air.

The grief may hit me over the head again this evening.  I just never know.  But for now, I will let the sun warm my face, look up at the blue sky, and just be.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Birds and Bunnies

There's a book someone gave me that contains daily meditations for working through grief.  I don't read it every day...not yet at least.  But there are times when I pick it up to read the message for the day or flip to a particular page.

Today I decided to flip back to read the April 22nd entry--the day Ed passed.  It begins "Joy comes from simple and natural things,..."  "Let us for a few moments lay aside our grieving and notice, as though nothing else existed, the world around us....  Let's give ourselves a break by taking note of the springtime ... the birds come back, the rabbits appears on the lawn."

This spoke to me because there are two things that I have noticed almost daily since Ed's passing.  The first is the variety of birds in my yard.  I've had bluebirds, goldfinches, orioles, and cardinals.  And of course there are mourning doves, chickadees, cowbirds, and robins.  The hummingbird is back and I've noticed the robins are nesting again in the bush outside the kitchen window.

The bunnies have also been ever present since the spring.  There are at least two that I notice often.  I don't know if it's the same two or not, but they are frequent visitors in the yard.  I usually see them in the morning and again when I come home from work.  And they case each other around the yard and I laugh when I see them jumping over each other and running in circles.

So I am taking note of the birds and the rabbits...they are simple things and they do bring me a simple joy.  And today the sun is shining again.  Finally the rain has stopped.  And so I will take a walk outside this morning, look for more birds and rabbits, and let the sun shine on my face.

Simple joy...

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Wham!

Wham!  And just like that I'm sobbing uncontrollably.  In the moment I'm gripped with grief and I don't know how I can possibly go on.  The tears and total sadness envelope me.  I want a miracle, like those you see on TV, where he'll appear to me one last time or I'll feel his touch.  But neither come and my head aches from the crying and I'm convinced my heart is broken.  People die from a broken heart, don't they?  And I now understand how.  I talk out loud through the crying but no one answers.  And although I want to just fall into a deep sleep and never awaken, I know that is selfish and my thoughts turn to Dan and I could never do that to him.  And I am thankful that I have him in my life for he is my sole reason for living.  How sad that it; and how unfair that is to him for he should not have to carry the burden of my survival.  But it is the only lifeline I have right now.  Yes, I have many friends and family and I appreciate them all, but it is different.

Eventually, thankfully, sleep overtakes me.  I awake later with a balled up kleenex clenched in my fist and I acknowledge the fist.  It represents my tense, fierce grief.   And I relax my hand and go back to sleep.

I know when I talk like this Dan worries and I'm sure others do as well.  But when feelings like this hit, I honestly cannot imagine going on.  But I do.  Because that is what is expected of me.  God gave me this life and only God will decide when it will end.  I do not fear when this time will come because I know Ed is waiting for me.  But I also know I need to be here for Dan.  Because it is not those that die that suffer, it is those we leave behind.  And I would not wish this grief on Dan.  He's lost his father and he cannot lose me.  For although I know he is strong and losing a parent is different than losing a spouse, I want to protect him from this level of grief for as long as possible.

I know there is a reason I am on this earth.  And if I truly focus and am honest, I know I've had a blessed life.  I had a wonderful marriage and we built a beautiful home and had Dan--our greatest blessing in the world.  And so I wouldn't trade these 50 years of my life for anything.

I just don't understand though how the grief can sneak up on me.  There was nothing to trigger it.  It's like it was waiting for me as I climbed into bed last night.  Maybe I should have just gotten up and gone and did something else.  But I'm told the tears help to cleanse the body.  Do I feel better than when I went to bed.  Yes.  But do I feel cleanse.  Not really.  The ache in my heart is still there.  But I will go on because when I go on, Ed lives on.  And if I pick my head up in the light of day, I know I blessed by the family that surrounds me, by the friends that care, and it doesn't seem as dark...

Monday, June 17, 2013

Milestones

Yesterday was not only Father's Day but also mine and Ed's wedding anniversary.  Two major milestones that would be tough for both me and Dan.  Thankfully Dan came home for the weekend so we could get through this together.

Someone told me that all the milestones of the first year are the toughest.  That you need to get through each one without your loved one and then the second year gets easier.  Someone else said that it's not the milestone itself but rather the time leading up to the milestone that is most difficult.

Both are true.  Last week was a tough week for me. At the time I couldn't figure out why but I was so teary and could not talk about Ed without crying.  The weekend itself, and the milestone itself, was an "okay" day but I wasn't an emotional wreck--at least not anymore than usual.

Dan and I decided to stay home yesterday. We weren't going to plan anything other than to just stay home and spend time together.  This was the best way to honor Ed because Ed liked being home and just spending time together.

Did I miss Ed during the day? Of course.  In terms of our anniversary, I just miss how special Ed always made me feel.  He spoiled me.  Not in big ways but in small ways.  He always bought me flowers for our anniversary.  In fact, he bought them for every occasion--anniversary, birthday, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day.  And if these occasions fell on a workday, he had the flowers delivered to work.  In recent years, I told him not to be spending money to have flowers delivered, so he took it upon himself to purchase and deliver them to work.  And he always bought two bouquets so that there would be a second one at home.  Yes, I was spoiled but I knew it.  He was so thoughtful and always let me know how much he loved me.  The flowers have since died but I do still have the cards we exchanged.  They expressed the love that we may or may not have been able to say directly.  Those I cherish.

I don't know how Dan felt about Father's Day.  He's a man of few words, like his father.  But what I do know is that Father's Day is an empty holiday now.  I had lost my father 24 years ago, Ed's father passed 22 years ago, and now Dan has lost his father.  And I find I don't like these Hallmark holidays.  Because for those of us without our fathers or mothers or grandparents or whatever holiday is being recognized, it is not a joyful day but rather you realize what you're missing.  Maybe someday Dan will be a father and then this will be a day to celebrate with happiness once again.  But for now, it's not.  It's just a reminder of what we've lost.

And I'm glad and sad that these two milestones are now behind us.  But unfortunately, I begin to look ahead at what is the next milestone we need to make it through.  And so the wise woman who said it's the time leading up to the milestone that is the hardest, was right.  Each milestone marks a passage of time.  Time without Ed.  Time where my heart still is heavy.  But I try to remember the good times.  And I'm thankful for the time with Dan and that he was home this weekend to help us both get through these latest milestones.

For Father's Day, Dan cooked on the grill in honor of Ed.
And we cooked more meat than we could eat since that's what Ed always did too!

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Doing Yard Work and Remembering Ed

I am still in awe of the precious and thoughtful gift from Dan.  So many thoughts cross my mind.  When I started this blog I never really thought about where we would end up.  It started as a way to share with family and friends how Ed was doing after his diagnosis.  Since Ed has passed, I have found myself reading old posts more often.  What were we up to a year ago? two years ago?  How was Ed feeling?  Were there signs his health was declining?  And there were times when it crossed my mind that the only place this blog existed was in cyberworld and should I somehow back it up?  And so what a gift to have it saved in good, ole print form to last a lifetime.  Something I'll hold dear forever as I know Dan will too.  Of course, if I knew he was going to put it in print form, I would have gone back and proofed and edited what I wrote!

So today was a good and busy day.  Dan and I went out and bought some patio blocks so we could put them under where the picnic table was.  It was driving me nuts that the table was half on the patio and half on the lawn, so we decided to extend the patio.  It was hard labor but we worked together and got it done.  I'm sure Ed would not have approved how we were doing it--he was such a perfectionist--but we got the job done and we didn't do half bad.  Dan wants to continue to make the patio larger but we had enough for at least today.

Dan then went out for the evening and I did some more weeding.  I thought of Ed often because he spent a lot of time working in the yard.  I try to recall what I would have been doing when he was outside working.  Maybe it was cleaning the house, doing laundry or running errands.  I know I didn't help him much with the yard and I regret that now.  But I'd like to think he is looking down and is satisfied with the job we're doing.  I know I am.  And I know I will sleep well tonight after such physical labor today but I also know I'll sleep well because Dan is home.

The work begins

....during...

....after!

Friday, June 14, 2013

Speechless

So I'm posting a day early because I am totally speechless.

Dan came home tonight so we could spend the weekend together.  Sunday is not only Father's Day but it would have been mine and Ed's 29th anniversary.  So spending the weekend together was important to both of us.

Tonight Dan gave me the following anniversary gift.

http://www.lulu.com/shop/jeanne-brzycki/1230-days/paperback/product-21062334.html

It is a printed version of this blog (with some extra pictures at the end).

I cried.  I hugged Dan.  I just can't believe he created this.  What a wonderful gift--for me, for him, for future generations.  The gift is priceless.  My son is priceless.  I am so blessed.

Thank you Dan!  I love you forever.  I like you for always!!

Finally Friday!

Okay, I know I just posted like 8 hours ago, but today is a new day and it's FRIDAY!  It has been a very long and busy week and I can't wait for it to end.  I just need a break...some down time.  The treadmill is going faster than I can keep up and so this weekend will be good to feel like I can get back on top of things.

I definitely stayed out too late last night.  By the time I got to bed it was close to midnight again.  That's about the same time I went to bed Wednesday night.  So two nights in a row with only about 5 hours of sleep?  Not good.  Lesson learned.

The bunny is out in the front yard again this morning.  Ed loved seeing the bunnies and would always leave little piles of treats for them (carrots, lettuce, etc.) and so it's nice that there is at least one that is still hanging around.

Since I took the bird feeders down, there are fewer birds I can watch outside the window, but that could also be due to the rain.  And this rain just needs to stop!  I know, I know....earlier in the week I was happy because it meant I didn't have to water the plants or the garden.  But as I look out at my poor garden and puddles are forming, I just hope everything survives being so water logged.

Today marks three weeks since Larry passed.  I can't believe it's been three weeks already.  And it has been almost two weeks since his funeral and the next tragedy has not shown it's face to me yet.  Yes, Missy and Dennis lost their beloved dog Buddy last week and I feel for them and their loss. But for me personally, I keep looking over my shoulder.  Could the pattern be ending?  I don't want to jinx it, but maybe there is hope...

Thursday, June 13, 2013

It's Still Thursday

It's technically still Thursday, right?  I'm sorry that I didn't write this morning.  I was up late Wednesday night doing work and then did some again this morning when I got up.  So I just didn't have time to update this blog.

And since I didn't want anyone to worry, I figured I'd better at least write something.  That, and at some level, I feel guilty missing a day.  I do realize at some point my posts will become less frequent and that will be a good thing on one hand--that at some level my life is moving on and I either don't have time to post or there is just nothing to share.  On the other hand this thought also saddens me because I know I'm not ready for my life to move on...not yet at least.

So I just got caught up in deadlines and busy-ness of this last day but here I am before I head off to bed, to be sure you all know I'm still here and "okay".

This evening after work I had dinner with two woman friends I've known from church.  Our lives have been in turmoil lately and so it was nice that we were able to get together and share a meal and just spend some time together.  We talked about struggles, and family, and life and even shared some laughs (and an appletini!).  And it was nice and I found myself sharing much more than I would have in the past.  Is this okay, I wonder?  It was natural, so I guess it was.  However, this is a new area for me.  Sure in the past I would share stories and the like.  But most details were only shared between me and Ed for we tended to be fairly private people.  I would share what I call "surface" stories--give just enough information at the surface level, but the deeper details were kept private.

But it was a nice evening and we'll plan to do it again soon.  And, even better, I didn't have to eat alone!  Now off to bed I go because I know lack of sleep will make me moody.  Sweet dreams!

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

This is Now My Life

I slept good last night and that pleases me because I'm able to shut out the world.  I know I dreamt but all I can remember is that it was me and Dan alone.  How I wish Ed would come to me in my dreams and, if he did, that I would remember it and awake with warmth in my heart.

But instead I awake and realize that this is now my life.  I still find it very difficult to believe that my life has changed so dramatically in a matter of a couple of months.  I keep wondering if I'm going to wake up at some point and find this is all a bad dream.  But I pinch myself and realize this is not a dream (or rather a nightmare).  That this is now my life.

And I keep reminding myself that why should I be any different than many others in the world?  Why should I feel I'm special and grief should not touch my life?  Every day now I look at the obituaries and see people who have died at (what I consider) a young age.  And their lives are cut short and their loved ones are grieving and missing them as well.  So I should be thankful for the 50 years of my life that were pretty damn good and the 30+ years I was able to share with Ed.

Work continues to be a good distraction even though it is incredibly busy and overwhelming at times.  I'm trying to get back on top of things and be there for my staff who I know have not been able to depend on me lately.  But I also realize that it's about this time that life throws me another curve ball. So I'm watching and waiting and holding my breath to see if I can make it through another day without some tragedy in my or my family's life.

The rain has stopped this morning and I think I'll take a walk outside to breath in some fresh air.  I have not gotten back to my exercise routine.  Old, familiar routines are still very difficult.  But I'm hoping the fresh air will lift my spirits.  Besides, Ed used to walk around the yard, checking out things, and so I will now do this because it's now my job and I will think of Ed when I do.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Good Enough

I'm glad I posted Sunday evening because my mood turned south later that evening and continued until I kicked myself in the butt on my way to work yesterday.  I knew I could not go into the office and start crying at the drop of a hat.  So I got my head readjusted and made it through the workday yesterday focusing on work that needed to be done.  Because I need my job.  I need that stability.

I was planning to call my social worker from VNA Hospice yesterday but then realized I brought the wrong phone number with me.  Is that a sign that I really shouldn't call her or just my stupidity?  People say to look for signs from our loved ones, they're all around.  But I don't see signs from Ed and that bothers me.  I know others are trying to be comforting when they tell me about the signs they received from a loved one who has passed and that, if I pay attention, I'll see signs from Ed too.  But I don't see signs from Ed.  Do I believe he's watching over me?  Yes.  But these signs that everyone talks about are eluding me and I wonder why everyone else seems to get signs but not me.

I have to say I like the rain.  It matches my mood but also means that I don't have to come home from work and water the plants and tend to the yard.  Just let everything soak up the rain and continue to grow and be green.  Of course, remind me of this when I'm complaining about my plants being over watered or the lawn growing too quickly.  But for now, I'll enjoy the fact that the weather requires me to stay indoors and take things a little slower.

I talked to Dan last night.  The highlight of life. He's doing good at his job and I'm so proud of him.  Being totally selfish, I wish he were here with me.  But that would not be fair to him, so instead I cherish our moments when we talk or when we see each other and find pride in his success.  I am so blessed to have him in my life.  I look at him and know that he is the love of me and Ed combined.  And how lucky Ed was to see him grow into the man he is today.  Ed knew he was leaving me in good hands and he was so right.

So although I still move through this fog and finding any kind of happiness seems impossible, I do get up everyday and I do go to work and I do make a list of things to do around the house.  I keep myself busy.  And, for now, that will just need to be good enough.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Capturing Happy Moments

I've decided to post my next blog message a bit early because my day got better and I want to share this with you before things change.  I mean, maybe they won't and I'll go to bed satisfied after a hard day of labor and I will fall asleep with happy memories of Ed and not with tears running down my face.  We can only hope.  But in case this moment passes too quickly, I want to capture it.

This afternoon I spent working in the yard.  I did the hand mowing and then decided to mow the side and back yard with the riding mower.  I then put away bird feeders (although I will miss the birds in the morning) and put out lawn ornaments.  I started Ed's truck and let that run for a bit and I cleaned the mowers before I put them away.  I did some weeding and some planting and as I was coming in for the evening, I complimented myself on how nice the yard looked.  It was just too bad I had no one to share it with.

I then came into the house and decided to do some dusting and then I would go take a shower and make some dinner.  As I was dusting the dining room, the front doorbell rang.  I went to see who it was and there, much to my pleasant surprise, was Ed's friend Mike.  Today was field day at Pine Grove and he was delivering baked potatoes from Dagmara for me for dinner!  I was so touched by their thoughtfulness and that Mike drove all the way over from Northampton to deliver them for me.  And he topped it off with a piece of chicken as well so my dinner for tonight was taken care of!

Now you have to understand the story behind Dagmara's potatoes.  For years, on every field day, Ed would bring me home a couple of the baked potatoes.  Most times, I had already had dinner by the time he got home.  Sometimes I would still stuff myself with a potato, other times I would wait til the next day.  One recent field day, I decided I wasn't going to have dinner before Ed got home.  Instead I was going to wait for Dagmara's famous baked potatoes.  I was so excited when Ed got home, but he was emptied handed...no potatoes!  I asked where they were...I thought he was pulling my leg; he couldn't believe the one time he didn't bring them home, I was actually waiting dinner for them.  Well, Ed never heard the end of that and he even told Dagmara how he got in trouble because he didn't bring home the potatoes (even after she told him to bring some home!)!

So supposedly they had their field day today and I got a special delivery of Dagmara's baked potatoes!  How sweet of Dagmara to think of me and how sweet of Mike to bring them to me.  I am so touched by their thoughtfulness and the wonderful surprise just in time for dinner too!

And to top it all off, Mike made a comment on how good the yard looked!!  After all my hard work, someone was there to notice and provide an unsolicited compliment.  Both of these things were the highlight of my day.  So thank you Mike and thank you Dagmara.  Ed truly had wonderful friends and now I am blessed to have you in my life as well!  You two are the best!!  And on that positive note, I'm publishing this evening's blog post.

Below I'm included some pictures of my yard.  I think I've done Ed proud.

Backyard looking pretty good (with the shed we built in the fall).

Our garden.

Side yard.

Front yard.

Side yard near the garage.

Our special garden in Ed's memory.

Two of my favorite lawn ornaments.  And they just happen to be from Larry!

I love the smell of the peonies.  How lucky I am that Ed left beautiful flowers in our yard for me to enjoy!

Pissin' Me Off

I don't understand emotions.  I did good all day yesterday...doing tasks around the house and I was so proud when I fixed the toilet (or at least I didn't make it worse).  I then went to my niece Ali's dance recital with my mother and afterwards my mother and I went out to dinner.

And during the day there were moments when I missed Ed and sadness crept in.  When we got the dance recital, one of the routines was done to a song with lyrics about "wish you could stay".  I don't remember the exact title of the song, but I can tell you that whenever I hear it on the radio, I turn it off.  So here I am, at an innocent dance recital, and the second song I hear is this.  Now I couldn't turn it off so instead I distracted myself by reading the program.  I thought how in the world was I going to make it through the entire show when I'm ready to run and cry at the second performance.  But thankfully the remaining songs did not conjure up anymore sad feelings and seeing my niece dance really did make me smile and be happy (even if for just a moment).

Going to dinner afterwards, although good company, caused me to recall the times Ed and I went out to dinner.  As my mother and I went to order the same dish, my first instinct was to change my order--you can't order the same thing!  But then I realized that was because Ed and I never ordered the same thing.  And there were two reasons for this--1) so we could try each other's dish and 2) so Ed could have something different later that night or the next day because I never finished my meal and so we would always take that home for him to enjoy later.

And as I went to bed last night the sadness engulfed me and the tears flowed and as I woke this morning they were still there and I don't know what has triggered them.  Which just upsets me more!

But I got up and got myself ready for church.  But for the first time, with the exception of Ed's funeral, I cried during Mass and I cried afterwards when people were trying to be kind and ask me how I was doing.  I did have a fleeting thought of escaping right after communion because I didn't want to face people.  But it is so ingrained in me not to do that, I couldn't.  Of course, several people asked how I was doing and I unfortunately responded with tears and a sad "it's not a good day".  They offered hugs or offered to go out to breakfast or for a cup of coffee or tea.  And I appreciated the offers and I appreciated their caring.  And I think I thanked people but honestly most of it's a blur.  I just needed and wanted to escape.  My next stop was the cemetery to see Ed and that was the only place I wanted to be.

So I headed over to Ed's grave and put some flowers on it which made me feel better.  Our grave marker is not done yet, so not having anything at his grave really bothered me.  Below is the picture of the flowers that are now there and this helped to calm me.



The next stop was the grocery store.  I have to say, I hate shopping for one.  I don't buy things now because Ed and I are planning meals for the week.  I don't plan a meal at all.  Instead I buy things for lunch like salad mix and fresh fruits and I need to buy things now because they go bad before I can finish them (like milk or bread).  I no longer buy a whole melon because it will rot before I can finish it myself.  But a small package of cutup fruit is much more expensive.  And I waste bread and milk because a gallon of milk is sometimes cheaper than a half-gallon and so I buy the gallon and throw half of it away.  I was always raised not to be wasteful but I also need to not waste money and spend more money to buy smaller packages.

But my errands for today are done and so now I'll plan to go outside and do some hand trimming and soak in some of the sun.  Once again, moving through my "to do" list keeps me busy and so that is what I'll do and hope my mood improves.  Yesterday, my mother reminded me that "Life is Good" but I couldn't even agree with her.  I know, deep down inside, she's right and I've said it before that I used to be that person that thought life was good and saw that glass as half-full.  But I can't even fake it right now.  And why, when I thought I was starting to move slowly forward, I get knocked on my butt again by these emotions.  And so I'm reminded, again, that it's not moving forward....it's that damn sideways and it pisses me off!!

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Saturday

Ahh, Saturday morning.  And it's raining which is good and bad.  A perfect day to sleep in, but, no, here I am up at 6 AM.  But there are a number of things I want to get done today so I'm up and I've made a list and laundry is already going.  I've got my nieces dance recital this afternoon so that only leaves me the morning to be real productive.  The good news with the rain is that anything on my "outside" list of to do's, must wait. So I'll focus on my indoor to do's instead.  Hopefully tomorrow the sun will be out and I'll tackle the outside list then.

The bad news about the rain is that I worry about my garden.  I had already lost my squash and cucumber plants after the drenching rain in May.  Just this week I bought new plants and put those in (hindsight=I should have waited).  Oh well, I hope they survive this rain.  Time will tell.

Dan is not home this weekend and I miss him terribly but I know this is the right thing to do.  We both need to find a new pattern to our lives.  Of course, that said, we will see each other next weekend.  Not only is it the first Father's Day without Ed, but the 16th is also mine and Ed's wedding anniversary.  So I know Dan and I will spend some time together at least on Sunday since that will be a tough day for both of us.

And I still have my moments of missing Ed terribly.  They still sneak up at the oddest time.  Like last night while I was sitting in front of the TV having pizza for dinner.  It hit me that this was our regular routine.  Friday night was always pizza night and we would eat in front of the TV (every other night we would usually eat at the table).  And here I was last night by myself and it made me miss both Ed and Dan.

One thing I realized last night is that I find comfort in this blog and being able to go back and look at what was happening a year ago, two years ago, etc.  And so last night I was looking back a year and what I realized is that Ed was having a tough time about this time last year managing the side effects of the cancer.  And that pattern continued through this past year.  At the time, we were just trying to move through it, day by day.  But as I look back, I realize he was heavily fatigued and experiencing pain last year at this time.  There were things he couldn't do and then there were things I know now he pushed himself to do.  And I realize that he suffered longer than the one month in the hospital.  As he always said, he didn't want to be a "patient" and sick all the time.  And I can be less sad when I realize he was being strong and a fighter through last year.  And I know how lucky and blessed we were to have him this last year with Dan home with us and being able to go on the cruise together.  We did make great memories and although I miss him terribly and wish I could have made 30 more years of memories with him, I am thankful for what we had.  And I also realize that even if we had another 30 years together, the grief wouldn't be any less.

Today marks 1 week since Larry's funeral and I'm hoping I get through next week without any tragedies or major life events.  Ed ended up in the hospital about 1 week after Mike's funeral.  Larry ended up in the hospital about 1 week after Ed's funeral.  And today marks 1 week since Larry's funeral.  So I'm waiting and hoping tragedy can pass me by this time.  That I've had my "3" (which everyone says these things happen in 3s) and maybe now life can be boring again.  I can only hope!

In the meantime, though, I need to go be productive and get things done before I head off to my niece's recital with my Mom.  A good way to spend a rainy day!



Friday, June 7, 2013

Learning and Changing

It's amazing the peaks and valleys in my day.  I used to talk about good days and bad days but the reality is that within a day there are good points and low points.

I did go to the jewelers yesterday to drop off my anniversary ring to be fixed (which will cost about $100).  While I was there, I asked that they look at my engagement ring also.  The report is that the prongs and shank are thinning and one prong in fact, is worn down on top.  Cost to fix $200!  So I asked whether we could do something with Ed's wedding bands and the diamond instead.  Maybe invest the $200 in something new?  Of course, I teared up as I'm talking to the woman.  So I don't know what I'm going to do here.  But when I came home, I removed my diamond because the last thing I want to do is lose that stone.  I just don't know why all of this has to happen.  Why do I need to deal with my rings now falling apart when the rest of my life is as well?  I would just like things to settle down even for a bit.

When I got home I had a brief meeting with my insurance agent.  That went really quick and so I was able to get the lawn mowed before it started raining.  That was one of my good points yesterday.  I was getting quite good as maneuvering around things.  I do like the exercise that using the push mower provides, but I was working against the clock last night to beat the rain.  So I was quite proud and happy when I was able to finish that.

I'm learning that I'm changing and I'm learning that I'm no longer the same person I was three months ago.  And I know I won't be the same three months from now.  But what I'm recognizing is that it's okay and I need to learn to accept what I feel and need at the moment and it's okay to be selfish and do what feels right to me and not what others expect or want from me.

I find my tolerance and patience is much thinner than it used to be.  In the past, I always tried to put things into perspective.  Family came first, but I always tried to make everyone happy and juggle everything whether in my personal life or at work.  I find I just don't have the time and energy for this anymore.  I think this surprises some people, but I've learned this is what I need to do to survive.

I've also learned that my time at home is important to me.  Everyone reacts differently to grief.  Some need to be active and on the go all the time.  I'm finding that my greatest comfort is being home, putzing around the house, taking care of things and not running here or there.  So I'm learning to say "no" and limit the invitations I accept.  If I do decline an invitation from you, please don't take it personally.  There have been a number of people who have invited me to dinner or to do something and right now, I just need to say "no".  Know that in time, I may be able to say "yes" but right now I'm limiting the times I do that.  I'm recognizing that this is something I need to do for myself.  But don't let that discourage you from asking me again in the future.

Before I close today's post, I do want to send out comforting thoughts to my niece Missy and her husband Dennis as they lost their beloved dog Buddy yesterday.  Anyhow who has loved and lost a pet knows the pain they are feeling with this loss.  And I just shake my head....can life just be good for a bit for me and my family?


Thursday, June 6, 2013

Always Something

I just can't get a break.  Yes, yesterday was a success with good news from the colonoscopy.  And overall I tolerated it fairly well.  I did rest for about the first hour and then at noon I called into a meting at work and then proceeded to work the rest of the afternoon.  I wasn't tired and I wasn't loopy (at least I don't think I was!).  I felt pretty good.

However, as I was working on the computer, my anniversary ring caught my eye for some reason and I notice one of the small diamonds on the band is missing.  Really?  I take it off and I look more closely.  Yup....an ugly little hole where a small diamond used to be.  I am heartbroken.  This is the anniversary band Ed gave me for our 24th anniversary.  I remember it was our 24th because I had asked for one for our 25th and he decided he wasn't going to wait so he surprised me with it for our 24th.  And part of me is kicking myself because I was at Hannoush just last week picking up a gift and getting a new battery in my watch and the thought of getting my rings cleaned and checked crossed my mind but I just decided to hold off.  Damn it!  And there's no hope of finding the small diamond.  Who knows when it came out and it is (thankfully) one of the small ones in the band.  And I only say thankfully because hopefully this means it won't cost me an arm and a leg to get this fixed.  But, really?  I really need this right now?

I also had to straighten out things with my federal tax return yesterday.  I had not received my refund yet and couldn't understand why.  So after trying to check online--which didn't work--and after trying to call them several times and being on hold and getting disconnected, I finally got to speak to a person who informed me that they never received it.  Huh?!  She said just to resubmit it...not a big deal.  (And she also informed me this is why she doesn't e-file herself.)  So after a couple tries, and a couple more error messages, I finally get that resubmitted successfully.

After that, I decided to go outside and weed my garden.  I needed something to feel good about.  So I got that weeded and I planted the cucumbers and squash plants that I bought earlier this week.  The garden looks nice (at least I think so).

I also called my mother last night to have her remind me what Dr. Tessoni and I talked about in the recovery room.  Because I remember we talked about Dan and at what age he should get a colonoscopy and he gave me advise and I only remember part of what I said and what he said.  They had warned me that the medication they were giving me would cause some amnesia and that is why they recommended someone be in recovery with me when Dr. Tessoni met with me.  Good thing I listened!

I am thankful that I slept well again last night.  I think the cool evenings help.  And now with the colonoscopy behind me, I am ready for life to settle down and be "boring" again.  But first, a trip to Hannoush to get my ring fixed.  Always something...

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Colonoscopy Day

Well I slept pretty good last night.  I had the regular waking up an hour later, but then I did pretty well during the night and didn't get up at all until my alarm went off at 5 AM.

I then dragged myself downstairs to finish the last 5 ounces of that lovely, magnesium citrate.  I alternated sips of that with sips of black coffee and another 16 ounces of water and finished it all by the required 6:15 AM.  I think when all was said and done, I drank about 160 ounces of clear liquid (not including the magnesium).  But I finished it all with no major problems. Then one final BM and I showered and got ready to go.

Of course I weighed myself this morning and I lost 4 pounds!  I'm hoping this will inspire me to get back on track with diet and exercising.  We'll see...I'll probably gain the 4 pounds back by the end of the day!
Anyhow, my mother arrived shortly after 7 to take me to my 7:30 appointment.  Once I arrived, they brought me back to get me admitted.  The IV went in fine and an admittance nurse came in to ask more questions.  We were doing fine until she asked who my emergency contact was.  I really had never thought about that--I never had to think about that in 30+ years.  So I listed my mother and then that poor nurse couldn't understand why I was suddenly crying and unable to provide a phone number.

She was so sweet though when I explained the Ed had passed in late April and he had colon cancer and he had been there 3+ years earlier for his colonoscopy.  She let me take my time and she held my hand and said soothing words.  Nurses are so sweet.

And then later, our angel from 3.5 years ago, Marty A., came in to see me.  If you go back and read one of our first blog postings, Marty is a nurse who always appeared during Ed's crises and she was there when Ed had his colonoscopy and we were told it was cancer.  And here she was again with me and she understood how difficult doing this was for me and reassured that this was the right thing to do and that Ed was there with me.  We talked briefly about Ed's good 3 years since his diagnosis and that he really wasn't "sick" until that last month.  And she reminded me that Ed didn't want to be sick.  He was determined to live life and he certainly did that.  She also made a point of telling me to be sure to ask Dr. Tessoni about when Dan should get a colonoscopy.  Marty, our angel on Earth and I know Ed was smiling down since he always liked her and I was blessed to see her this morning as well.

So then off they bring me to the procedure room.  The nurse explained everything to me and hooked me up to monitors.  She said that if there's any discomfort to let them know and they'll give me more of the pain meds.  Dr. Tessoni then came in to talk to me and I told him about Ed--who he remembered seeing in the hospital in April.  We talked about Dan and I informed him of Larry's pancreatic cancer as well.  So, Dr. Tessoni said to wait and see the results of my colonoscopy and then he'd make a recommendation regarding Dan.

I turned on my left side, facing the monitor, and the last thing I really remember is joking that whatever was up on the monitor (which actually was nothing) looked pretty good to me.  And then that was it.  I vaguely recall seeing some things on the monitor (or maybe I'm imagining that).  Then the next thing I know I'm in recovery and they're asking me if I'd like some ginger ale or juice.  So the procedure itself was totally uneventful (except for my crying beforehand!).  My mother came back to recovery so when they gave me the results she would be there to listen as well (since they forewarned me that I may not remember).  However, I remember his words but it also wrote them on the discharge paper:

"No cancer, no polyps, congrats!  I will contact you in 10 years for another exam."

Hallelujah! I was so thankful!

There was some slight cramping after I got home but that has since gone away.  And heeding everyones advise, I spent the first hour or so at home sitting outside on the back deck with my eyes closed and just resting and soaking in the sun.

Such a relief to have this behind me and I know Ed is happy as well.

So all-in-all...it was not so bad. And anyone who's reading this and has been avoiding having a colonscopy, I encourage you to do so.  The procedure was not a problem at all.  And the prep, although the worse part of it all, I tolerated pretty well.  If there were polyps, he would have dealt with them and I would be going back in 5 years.

But there were no polyps or cancer and everything looks good!  So I'm happy and looking forward to maybe things are turning around now.  I hope so.

Thank you God!

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Let the Prep Begin!

Actually, the prep began two days ago with not eating any raw fruits or vegetables, salads, nuts, etc.  Now I eat fruits and veggies every day so it was actually hard trying to avoid these for a couple days.  But I did it and I paid attention to what else I was eating to be sure I wasn't eating nuts, seeds, etc.

But the real prep began today...


 Total prep includes 4 pills and 1 1/2 bottles.


2:00 PM  I took my four laxative pills with the requisite 8 ounces of water and another 8 ounces for good measure.  I am thankful for Ed because we had these pills in his supplies of meds, so I didn't have to buy those!

The instructions said to get 64 ounces of clear liquids in today and by mid-day I had already had 72 ounces.  (There's that overachiever again.)

Nothing much happened between 2-4 PM...just some stomach rumblings and the need to run to the bathroom to pee since I was drinking so much!  (Sorry about the references to "pee" but what do you expect when you're reading about colonoscopy prep?  It's only going to get worse!!)

4:00 PM  Time for the magnesium citrate.  "Just" 10 oz--one of those small bottles.  Heck I just drank 72 ounces of water; how difficult can it be to drink a measly 10 ounces?  But, first, I decided to use a pretty glass.  Need to find some enjoyment in all of this, right?



The magnesium citrate was supposedly "sparkling, lemon" flavor.  Okay, if they say so.  It was more just sicky sweet.  Or maybe it was sicky salty.  I'm not quite sure but it had a strong taste! I sipped it because I wanted to avoid getting an upset stomach (which happened to Ed when he took the same stuff).  And I drank LOTS more water with it.  It ended up taking me about 2 hrs to get it all down.  I don't know if that's good or bad.  But at one point, I was feeling nauseous and didn't think I could take another sip of it.  But I took my time and kept drinking water with it.

I finally finished it all!  Victory!!  And soon afterwards the nausea passed.  So I felt much better.  Of course, I need to get up at 5 AM tomorrow morning and take another 5 oz of it.  Not sure how I'm going to do that!  But I have to be done by 6:15 so deadlines should help motivate me!

And without grossing you out with too much information, the BMs have been fine...not too frequent and I think almost done and it's only 8:30 PM.  I hope that's the case (I'll keep my fingers crossed).

For now though I'm continuing to drink water.  They say I can have other clear liquids like tea, coffee, chicken broth, jell-o, etc.  But I'm feeling pretty good right now and so I don't want to put anything else in my body.

I'll plan to go to bed early since I need to be up early.  Plus that will make the evening pass much quicker.  I'll try to write again in the morning.  Have a good evening all!

Monday, June 3, 2013

Apprehension and Fear

Sunday night and Monday were tough again for me.  There was not necessarily a single trigger, just a general overall sense of sadness.  It was a busy weekend and it was hot and muggy so it could just have been exhaustion.  I have set this week for a new start.  I recall doing that back on May 1 as well and things did not exactly turn out as I had planned.  So I know I am skeptical and doubtful that anything can get better and I have a level of fear that I know I'm trying to ignore.

Of course I set today also as a target to get back to daily exercise.  I've been exercising pretty regularly over the past 10 years.  It's usually walking or jogging outside or hitting the treadmill or working out to DVDs.  Of course I haven't done this over the past two months for obvious reasons.  So I'm trying to get back to exercising even though at some level I question why.

I have realized in the past day though that the thought of resuming a routine that was so common for so many years makes me sad.  There is nothing common or routine about life any more.  On one hand, you would think the old familiar would bring comfort.  But instead, it seems to make me sad. But this morning I didn't make it any further than putting on my workout clothes.  Somehow time got away from me again this morning so I never did fit in the exercise.  I at least dressed for it, so do I get credit for that?  Besides, I know I am entitled to cut myself some slack right now and maybe I should if it just doesn't feel right (or is that just my excuse to avoid exercising?).

I do want to share with you that this week I also have an appointment for a colonoscopy.  Normally, this is not something I would share with the world.  But in light of the fact that Ed died from colon cancer and I turned 50 last fall, I need to be sure to get this done.  And I'm sure this is impacting my mood, and so not to share this detail with you, would be doing you a disservice.

And so I want to enable you to walk on this journey with me.  Now don't worry--I don't plan to do anything like Katie Couric and bring a camera crew with me.  But I know we all hesitate in having this done and so I've decided I need to share this with you so that maybe this will remove some of the fear for you or someone you know....or maybe not.  We'll find out.

On one hand, if once it's done, I get a clean bill of health, I'll be relieved.  On the other hand, though, I am fearful that it will just be more bad news because that has been the pattern of my life these past few months.  Either way, I know you'll be here to support me if needed.

Having the colonoscopy also makes me miss Ed.  The day before Ed's colonoscopy, I was in Florida on business and our flight got delayed.  So Ed had to do the prep by himself and he ended up getting sick to his stomach. I still feel bad that I wasn't here for him for the prep.  I did make it back in time for the procedure thankfully.

I know this is conjuring up all kinds of emotions for me.  First, I was supposed to have made this appointment last fall but I kept dragging my feet.  Sitting on my desk at work was a note, in Ed's handwriting, reminding me to call for the appointment.  But I never did.  And so, in his honor, after he passed, I finally called.  And, I'm also mad and upset with myself for putting this off.  Because if I had scheduled this when I was supposed to, Ed would be here to support me and be with me through this.

So, yes, I am telling you about my colonoscopy.  But I'm doing this for two reasons. (1) Because I know it is having an impact on my emotions right now and (2) Because I've told Ed's story and now I want to share my story and maybe, just maybe, it will encourage those of you to go get one who have been avoiding this.

Colonoscopys are one of those things people tend not to talk about.  And trust me...it is not something I would have talked about even a few months ago.  Ed would have been here to support me and we would have kept this as a private matter.  But instead, I find myself talking to woman at work who have gone through this and getting their advise and input.  Here I'm thinking I can work from home Tuesday afternoon and call in for meetings.  They just shake their head at me and tell me not to plan on it.  And then Wednesday I'm thinking I'll do the same.  And again, they tell me I'll be tired and will want to and need to rest.  Even Dan has told me to just plan on not getting any work done and just focus on the prep and then resting afterwards.  And if I do more than that, great, but not to plan on it.  They are all so wise and I will try to listen to their advise!

So prepare yourself.  Tuesday I leave work mid-day so I can begin my prep.  No eating after 10 AM and then only clear liquids after that.  I also figure this is the start of my healthier routine and attempt to lose some weight.  This is like a body cleanse, right?  Don't all those Hollywood types spend lots of money to do this same thing just to fit into a dress?  I'll tell you what I really think over the next couple days.

In the meantime, consider yourself forewarned.  If hearing about this is not what you want, then come back in a few days and skip my posts from Tuesday and Wednesday.  But I hope you'll stay and help me through this next event in my life.  And then maybe, just maybe, things will finally calm down!

And besides, it will give me something else to write about besides how sad I am!

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Children (of all ages) Bring Happiness

Sunday was another busy day for me and Dan.  Today's was Bryce's Baptism.  Bryce is the son of my niece Missy and her husband Dennis.  I'm sure it was a day of mixed emotions for everyone with both Larry and Ed's passing.  It did feel weird going without Ed since this is his side of the family.  So I was so thankful that Dan was there with me.  Seeing the kids definitely helped make it a better day.  William and Grace as such cute kids and Bryce is the perfect baby.  When we were leaving we said we'd stay in touch and try to get together more often.  I hope so.

On the way home, Dan and I stopped by the cemetery to say our goodbyes to Larry and stopped to see Billy as well.  Once we got home, Dan took care of putting in the large air conditioner in the living room.  It's a big unit and there is no way I could have done it.  Even though it's going to cool off again after tonight, he wanted to be sure it was done in case it heated up again.  Then he went and put in the poles around the garden so we could put a fence up.  A thunderstorm started so I didn't get a chance to do the fence until after he left, but again, how grateful I am to have him to take care of the poles for me.

Dan is so good to me and I am so lucky and grateful to have him.  Of course, I wish he didn't have to leave, but I do need to allow him to live his own life as well.  But I so appreciate and am thankful for our time together.  We do look forward to a time that is quieter when life is not so hectic and we're not always running here or there.  Maybe soon.  We can only hope.


Harper & Pariseau Families
 
Mary with her kids and grandkids
 
Baby Bryce with his parents

William and Grace

The kids lining up for some cake

William and Grace enjoying the cake
Dan sneaking a picture of me and Bryce
 






Finding Joy

Yesterday was a tough day but what did I expect?  The burial itself was brief (as they usually are) and was just with family.  As we prayed for Mike my thoughts turned to Ed and Larry as well.  That at that exact time, Mary and her family were praying over Larry.  And I thought about Ed and how he was quite busy trying to be there for both Mike and Larry and me and Mary at the same time and that he must be torn trying to be in two places at once as well.  As I felt the breeze that brought minor relief from the heat, I liked to think it was Ed letting me know he was there.

As Fr. Shaun shared prayerful words about God and death and new life, my heart ached.  As we were getting ready to leave, a funeral procession came into the cemetery and I was numb as I realized once again that death touches so many, every day. Someone said "they are now at peace" and it's funny, in a weird kind of way, but I never doubted that they were peace and that they are in a better place.  What I find elusive is my peace.  For my heart aches every day and I'm restless.

So Dan tells me he doesn't like to read my blog.  That it's too depressing and sad.  When he says this, I respond that it's just truth--it's what I'm feeling and I can't change that.  And to sugar coat it or pretend, would not be right.

I wish I could write about happy things and that is what makes me the saddest.  For up until mid-March, my life was pretty darn good.  I look back at the blog post for March 9th, the day before Mike died.  I wrote about the beautiful, sunny day and the bloom on my Hibiscus.  Simple things that I found such joy in.  And since then, the joy has been elusive.  I have never experienced such depth of sadness.  I try to avoid it by keeping busy with chores.  And then I get resentful because I spend all my time taking care of everything by myself, especially those things that Ed used to take care of.  And then I can so easily feel cheated and that life is not fair.  But, if I'm strong enough, I'll also remind myself how lucky we were to have 30+ years together and that Ed made me so happy.  And, if I'm really honest, if it wasn't so good, it wouldn't hurt so bad.

And I know being around others is supposed to be good.  But I have to tell you that I am finding it exhausting as well.  Friends hug and ask how I'm doing.  I respond "okay".  I remember after Ed's diagnosis, over the years people frequently asked how he was doing and I would always respond "he's doing really good, can't complain".  I was not one to dump burdens on others and Ed and I never aired our dirty laundry.  I would like to think I always was positive and cheerful.  That "half glass full" kind of gal.  But I can't even fake that right now.

But to help appease Dan, what happiness can I write about today?  The fact that Dan is home--it brightens my day more than anything else in the world.  I am so blessed to have him in my life.  And as I see the neighbors get ready for today's high school graduation party, I remember Dan's graduation parties (both high school and college) and I'm thankful for those happy days as well.  For, overall, with the exception of the past few months, life has been good to us.  Even with Ed's cancer diagnosis, we had three years where we appreciated each day.  We had time together, both as a couple and as a family, that we may not have treasured as much if we didn't have the "C-word" hanging over our heads.  We realized anything we did could be the last time and so we made choices based on that.  We choice time together whether it was simply sharing a meal, watching a movie or TV show, or taking vacations together.  We knew the importance of together time and so I smile and I'm thankful for that.  And as much as it was frustrating for Dan, I am so grateful for last year when he was back home and looking for a job.  At the time, it was discouraging that it took so long to find a job.  However, now looking back, that year was such a gift and we were able to do things together that we would not have been able to do otherwise.  And for that I am thankful everyday.

So today, I hope you learn to make similar choices in your life.  Yes, I know there are always chores to do and we struggle to take care of our homes and go to work and raise our children.  Just remember, though, to take the time to simply spend time together.  Whether it's sharing a meal together, playing a board game, or even sharing the labor of doing housework together.  For time with family and friends is what is most important.  And so today I will try to find joy as we celebrate Bryce's baptism with Ed's family.



My Story

Lately I find myself moving through the days, being with others, laughing, and living life. Days pass quickly and grief, sadness, and feelin...